Desecrate You
by TNWanderer
Summary: SuzakuxLulu. AU. They are married but Suzaku is being overly obsessive-possessive over Lelouch. And the result? Angst! ON HIATUS!
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **First contribution to CG fandom, and absolutely not my best, since this was written for LJ CG kink meme. I thought I should post this here, too, since I spent some real efford on this. Here is the prompt:

_"Suzaku/Lelouch (in that order, aka Mrs. Kururugi Lelouch, although he's still a guy!)_

_Kink: Rough sex/Marital rape/Imprisonment. Suzaku is a jealous and possessive husband who locks Lelouch up in their home. Bonus points if there are mini Suzakus and Lelouchs running around the house, but not at the time of the rape! Wouldn't want to traumatize them... Could add sweet, gentle make up sex after that if you want to??_

_Am I requesting too many kinks? ;; "_

**Warning:** As you can see, Non-Con -Rape, Severely AU, married gay ppl with children, OOC, Angst.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

-

**Desecrate You**

Whole night Lelouch had the distinct feeling of being watched. His every movement, every smile, every gesture of his hand, every motion of his body was followed as if he was under the watchful gaze of a predator. He knew, though, to whom those eyes belonged.

He was talking with some of his acquaintances exchanging polite pleasantries, and sometimes much more hearty words and laughs with his close friends. He was bent on getting all of the social interaction he could while his husband's mode was a little bit more relaxed. He hardly had any chance to keep up with his once upon a time so stuffed social agenda. Nowadays, after the birth of their second child, he was practically trapped in his own home. Not that he was fed up with being the dutiful mother to his two children; Rurushu, now a three years old boy and Suzuko, his little one year old daughter...

Things were not like this after the birth of his son. Gradually, day by day, Suzaku - the owner of that burning glare- became a possessive father and husband. At the beginning, Lelouch was expected to be at home before Suzaku. Then, Suzaku insisted that he should quit his job and devote himself to their new born son. Lelouch resisted at first, claiming that he had every right to work as however he wanted and earn his own money. But after endless hours of slaving himself to finish never-ending projects and be a good mother to Rurushu, he fell sick and found himself complying to Suzaku's offer, since his stamina failed him miserably. He continued working at home, with his many computers in his own design room, barely going out with Suzaku let alone thinking of going out by himself.

At first he didn't complain. There was his work and his treasure little Rurushu to keep him busy... And Suzaku was so sweet to him, meeting his every demand and whim, making him feel loved and cherished. He was so happy. Yet after he realized that their family will grow yet again, Suzaku started to show signs of over protectiveness. He was insisting that the time Lelouch spent on his design projects was making him stressful and ill tempered. He was complaining that Rurushu was just as skinny as his mother and sickly looking. He declared that he couldn't let his second child suffer from this stress and negligence, too...

Lelouch cringed as he remembered. Suzaku claimed that he was incapable of looking after himself and his children. So, before the birth of Suzuko, they had their first serious fight. Suzaku was furious, he was blaming Lelouch for his low stamina, for not taking care of himself and the baby he carried, for not raising Rurushu properly into a healthy, strong boy, for forgetting himself in his damn projects and for his frequent absence from the house... Wasn't his overly handsome income enough to provide a carefree life for Lelouch? Shouldn't Lelouch be more attentive to his husband, children and home instead of missing his old ways of life?

Lelouch didn't agree of course... It was a lucky evening that little Rurushu was at his grandparents' and didn't witness how his kaa-chan and tou-san broke several things in the house as they yelled at each other.

Was being physically weak his fault? Moreover, Suzaku was the one who wanted another baby so soon... Rurushu taking after his mother's slim figure was his fault? Was wanting some fresh air in a park or meeting his friends with his son a fault? Was working and going after his dream as a designer a fault?

Suzaku was slowly turning into a tyrant of sorts. Those deep forest green eyes of his were easily narrowing down lately. He was blatantly expressing his distaste on Lelouch's insistent behavior to continue his designer's job every single time he could. Harsh words were becoming abundant and they were frequently quarreling with loud voices. He was getting angry quickly whenever he caught Lelouch on the phone talking with their mutual friends or when he went out with them for a lunch. Their nightly activities became more frequent and somewhat more violent. Before, Suzaku had always been mindful of never leaving marks of their love making on Lelouch or hurting him. But these days he was becoming forceful and more demanding even when Lelouch was whimpering in his arms, whispering shakily that he couldn't take another round.

It was as if Suzaku was making sure that Lelouch would never even have the strength to take a step out of their house. He was monopolizing Lelouch, he was even trying to dominate his mind as the way he claimed Lelouch's body every night.

This was too much and Suzaku's unhealthy state of mind becoming a thread for the continuation of their happiness.

Shaking himself out of his own thoughts, Lelouch looked up and gazed around the people who were having fun. Tonight was Kallen's birthday. Since she was their mutual friend for a long time, Suzaku agreed to take him to her party. But he didn't even utter a word on the way. They left Rurushu and Suzuko to Lelouch's sister Nunally. As Lelouch kissed his brown haired, green eyed son, Rurushu was playing with his sister, saying that they would have fun with their sweet auntie.

His gaze met Suzaku's. He was hawking him as usual as he did on this kind of occasions. Though Lelouch was angry with him, deep down inside, he couldn't help but remind himself that Suzaku was looking absolutely breath taking in his black suit with an air of distance in his emerald eyes. He was talking with one of his colleagues, a man named Gino. They were looking at him, Suzaku with an unreadable expression, Gino with mirth. The young man was draping an arm on Suzaku's shoulder while Suzaku was pointedly ignoring the gesture.

Suzaku simply glanced at his watch. Lelouch knew what it meant; _time to go_.

After they gave Kallen her gift and congratulated her and bid their goodbyes, they left in their own car. Nunally was kind enough to offer to look after her nephew and niece until tomorrow afternoon, so they would be alone in their huge house.

Suzaku was not talking. Lelouch resentfully ignored him by looking out of the window at the city lights. _So he was on it again._ Lelouch wondered if there was a small fight awaiting him at home.

Yet, the fight was not small at all...

As soon as they got in from the front door, Suzaku shut the door with a loud bang. Lelouch suppressed an exasperated sigh. He didn't even turned around, instead he simply started to climb the ladders to the second floor to go to their bedroom. He was sick of this repeating drama.

"Where are you going, Lelouch?" Suzaku asked as he discarded his jacket and popped a few buttons on his dress shirt.

Leouch didn't budge to answer, instead he continued to ascend. _Keep silent... Keep silent..._

"I said..."

But he snapped quickly. "What does it look like? To the bedroom, of course!"

"We need to talk." Suzaku was following him upstairs, there was an ill contained anger in his voice.

Lelouch passed a few rooms and stopped by their bedroom door.

"No, I think you need to rant and want me to listen." He opened the door but didn't have time to get in. Suzaku quickly blocked his way with his arm. Lelouch turned his face to him with a displeased look and took a step back.

"What now?" He knew his manner was harsh and left no room for reaching a compromise to spend the remaining of the night without a major event, but he felt on edge and Suzaku seemed intolerable at the moment.

"I hope you had your fun, Lelouch, because you won't be stepping outside until I say otherwise."

Lelouch felt his violet eyes widen with disbelief and immediately narrow down with fury.

"Says the tyrant..." he spat as he tried to pry away the arm that was blocking his path.

Suzaku was not relenting, he was regarding Lelouch with equal distaste and anger.

"Are you not aware that all the people present there was watching you like watching a dessert?"

_That again..._

"All I was aware was your glare... You were the only one who was burning holes in my head as if the moment your eyes leave me you think I will run away..."

"Are you this blind?" Suzaku was directly in front of him now, mere inches away. His eyes were stormy as he run a hand through his messy brown locks in disbelief. Then he stopped. A devilish smile full of accusation filled his lips slowly as if in dawning realization.

"Or maybe you are an attention whore and like the way men and women flirt with you in front of your husband..."

A surprised gasp escaped Lelouch's lips, his eyes full of hurt and disgust he felt upon Suzaku's remark.

"You are out of your mind." he said slowly, his voice raspy with an emotion he couldn't identify. Suzaku never degraded him like this before.

"You drunk too much, didn't you? I can't stand here for you to call me names. Get out of my way and go clear your head."

"No..." Suzaku took a step towards him, his voice escalating in volume.

"I won't let you meet anyone. You won't go out unless to your parents, and that's with me... You will quit your sorry excuse of a job and then just be a good wife and mother!"

Even though Lelouch was trying his all to not back away, he felt fear building in his chest, climbing on the feelings of hurt and anger.

"I am not your concubine, I am your wife!" He was yelling and backing away from Suzaku. His whole being was shaking. Was this person before him really Suzaku?

"I am not a toy for you to fuck and then lock away whenever you like! Have you gone crazy? Suzaku, are you even yourself? Do you hear what the hell you're saying, realize how you are looking at me?"

There was a cold, distant light in Suzaku's eyes, his skin was glistening with a fine sheen of sweat and he was smiling a winner's smile, a sadistic, accusing look on his face. He was the portrait of what was contrary to his usual self.

"How am I looking at you?" He asked with a voice mockingly seductive. Lelouch felt a cold drop of sweat traveling down his spine.

"Isn't it the way you like being looked at? As if you are the sole thing to admire in the whole world... As if you crave for seeing the desires you stir in those strangers' eyes... You enjoy mocking me in front of those people, don't you? You flirted with everyone, man or woman, there... You laughed at their jokes, you let them embrace you, you let them touch you... Are you trying to say that you are available to anyone, even though you are married to me?"

Lelouch saw red. He didn't even register how he closed the distance between them and slapped Suzaku across his cheek so hard that he drew blood. He was seething between ragged breaths, his eyes on the verge of tearing.

Suzaku just stood in front of him, wavy bangs covering his eyes, lower lip bleeding sluggishly. Both were panting hard and slightly trembling with rage.

"That's it..." Lelouch rasped. "I am not partaking in this madness anymore."

He willed his laden feet to move and turned back to get into another room and lock himself up, intend on not leaving there until Suzaku came for him, begging for forgiveness. This night was a disaster. He knew trying to rationalize with Suzaku in the young man's current state was impossible. He just wanted to curl up somewhere and get the aching in his chest out before it suffocated him.

Suddenly he felt movement behind him and thought that Suzaku was not finished with his insults. Just as he was turning his head to him to say _go away,_ his wrist was caught and he felt himself being dragged backwards towards their bedroom. He yelped with surprise and tried to free his wrist.

"What... Suzaku! Stop this nonsense!"

Suzaku kicked the door open and practically threw Lelouch into the room.

"Not so easy... I am not taking this shit anymore! You need to learn a lesson."

The door was locked and lights were turned on. Under the soft illumination, Suzaku's face was like that of a murder in cold blood. Lelouch backed away despite himself.

"Open the door, Suzaku..." He tried to be calm.

"So that you can return to your so called friends and continue your shameless flirting? No..."

"Do you know what you are insinuating? Don't you understand what you are telling me?"

"Oh, yes..."murmured Suzaku as he stalked his way towards him. "I am telling you that you are a slut."

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

Lelouch was yelling, in fear, in fury, in disgust. How did things go downhill like this? How could the man he loved and married call him like this?

"I won't! That's what you are! You need to be reminded to whom you belong. You need to be reminded who loves you the most! You don't need anyone but me! I own you, Lelouch! You are mine!"

In a blur of colours Lelouch's world slipped and swam violently and he found himself trapped between the bed and Suzaku's larger form. He started to struggle on instinct and tried to get free. Suzaku was leaning all of his body weight on him. His heart was hammering in his chest and the more he struggled the more he felt trapped. His mind couldn't grasp the situation he was in fully. All he could think was to get away somehow from Suzaku before he did something which would scar their relationship deeply.

Suzaku was dragging him across the bed by his wrists. His grip was vice-like and his mind bent on taking what he wanted from Lelouch whilst he taught him a lesson. When he released his wrists he simply ripped open his shirt, buttons flying everywhere. Panic and fear clouded Lelouch's mind as his stingy eyes tried to get a bearing of what was happening to him. Everything was too fast, he couldn't even utter a single word, his eloquent speech failing him. When Suzaku stopped, Lelouch realized that his wrists were tied to the bed post with his shirt.

"What... What are you..." His voice was trembling, finally realization hit him hard. Suzaku was... Suzaku was going to...

Suzaku took a couple of satisfied breaths as he loomed over Lelouch's body.

"Shhh, love... You need a lesson... And what better teacher you need than your husband?" he whispered leaning in. Lelouch went rigid, eyes ablaze with disbelief. He quickly turned his head away.

"No!" Suzaku whispered roughly, one of his hands wounding itself into Lelouch's black tresses, forcefully turning his head to face him.

"You need to look at me, love."

Lelouch gasped with the pain on his head and struggled with his legs, but his open lips were claimed quickly. The kiss was rough, their teeth clashed, Suzaku's tongue invaded his mouth. He tasted of alcohol and blood. His head started to swim as he struggled to break the kiss to gasp for a tiny bit of air, his lungs burning.

Suzaku pried his legs open and settled his weight between them. Lelouch was frail. The more his thin body tried to struggle the more it accelerated Suzaku's excitement. He was trembling helplessly under him, his eyes shut tightly, his mouth passive.

Lelouch couldn't think, he wanted to yell, wanted to cry, wanted to get away. He felt the unmistakable hardness of Suzaku's erection on his tight. His other hand roaming on his naked side and chest possessively. When the brutal kiss was broken he gasped for air, his chest heaving miserably.

"S-stop... Please, Suzaku, stop..."

His trembling voice was ignored as Suzaku started to kiss his jaw wetly. His mouth moved to Lelouch's ear as he gave an experimental trust of his hips.

"But we just began the lesson, Lelouch..." He answered, voice husky and full of need. He licked the shell, breathing on the wet skin. Lelouch shivered as Suzaku mouthed his ear lobe, biting on the soft skin.

Suzaku's mouth moved to his neck, all the while sucking on the perfect skin, relishing the hitching breaths near his ear. He practically mauled the skin like a wolf. Using his teeth, he inflicted a large bite mark just above Lelouch's pulse, hearing his hoarse scream of pain and tasting blood. He lathed on the abused flesh until it felt raw to the touch. He was branding him for world to see.

Lelouch was sobbing softly.

"Such nice sounds, all for me..."

He kissed his collarbone and sucked on the hollow point at the base of Lelouch's neck. It was delicious... The sweat, the blood, the unique taste of what was Lelouch... He continued trusting into the unwilling body under him feeling Lelouch's flesh harden.

"You're enjoying this, hmmm?"

Lelouch was still squirming desperately. The touches alternating between brutal and soft in mere seconds making his mind slowly shut. He felt ashamed, betrayed by his own body. He was getting raped by his beloved Suzaku and he was enjoying it for crying out loud. He felt disgusting. His eyes were dilated, shiny with tears, his face flushed with the effort he was exerting and with the shame, mouth dry, lips puffy...

He felt Suzaku biting on one of his nipples and pinching the other to the point of making it bleed. He was begging now in uncontrolled sobs.

"Stop...Stop...Suzaku..."

"Not until you understand that you are mine and mine only..."

Suzaku's voice was unrecognizable. His breath and tongue upon his wet skin was scorchingly hot. His hands were like molten whips of lava; everywhere he touched became alive with burning nerves. It hurt oh so painfully to be forced to _feel_ like this.

His pants button was ripped off as Suzaku tore away them from his slim hips. The fabric grazed his sensitive flesh painfully.

Suzaku leaned away a little bit to look at him in the eye. It was unfair of Lelouch to look so beautiful, for making him burning with jealousy... He was ethereal even in his misery, even when he was begging with him to stop with that divine voice of his.

"Do you have any idea how you drive me crazy, Lelouch?"

Lelouch whimpered as Suzaku raked his nails on his hips, leaving angry red marks on the soft skin. His hands travelled downwards and caressed the moist flesh of his inner tights.

"Suzaku..." It was a breathless plea. Suzaku was watching him with those eyes again, licking his lips. When he started to stroke his half hard flesh into fullness, Lelouch couldn't help but arch his back with a hiss, turning his head away, trying to hide his shame.

"Everything is your fault, Lelouch..." Suzaku was watching his every reaction as if hypnotised.

"You are guilty of showing off your mesmerizing smiles to others, you are guilty of letting others touch this velvety skin... You are guilty of looking at others with those oh so violet eyes... " He was panting the words in time with his strokes, feeling his erection harden painfully at the sight Lelouch presented.

"They all belong to me... Not to others... " When his other hand freed himself from his pants he leaned in again, bending Lelouch's legs on his shoulders.

As Lelouch understood what was coming next, he tried to kick away, tried to free himself from his bond with all his might. But Suzaku ruthlessly plunged himself forward, tearing a shrill cry of utter pain from him.

For a moment Lelouch couldn't even see even though his eyes were wide open. Everything went black as crippling, mind bending pain spread like a wildfire across his body. His throat went raw with his scream, drops after drops of tears fell from his eyes.

He took in a dry breath, hurting his lungs. He couldn't believe, couldn't think as he felt Suzaku bury himself to the hilt with no means of preparation or lubrication. Suzaku was panting near his ear. He was trembling, too.

Lelouch thought that he could just faint and his misery would end there but Suzaku slowly drew back only to slam into him with barely contained force. Seeing Lelouch's hardness quickly shrinking away, he grasped it in his hand and began to stroke in rhythm with the push of his hips.

Lelouch was hyperventilating. He couldn't even find enough breath to sob, his tears falling freely. What was this? How could this happen to them? How could Suzaku do this to them? He loved this man with all he got, yet why was he punishing him, degrading him, using him like this?

"Lelouch..." He heard him say as if from somewhere far away.

"Lelouch, look at me..." He couldn't breathe...

No longer because of the receding pain, but because he couldn't remember how. His mind was slipped away from the reality of the moment. He was feeling pleasure. It was building rapidly, claiming his exhausted body. It was wrong, to feel like this... Such a sick person he was... To feel satisfaction on being raped by his loved one... He must have been really really bad... For making Suzaku to do this to him... He must have been such an awful person, how could Suzaku love him? Right, he didn't deserve any better...

"Lelouch, look at me!" Was Suzaku's voice breaking? Why?

He felt warm lips land on his own, stopping his already meagre breathing. His panic stricken heart seemed to fly out of his rib cage. Suzaku's eyes were before him. _So green,_ he thought. _So wonderfully green..._

Suzaku was kissing him again, desperately. All he could do was focusing on that sensation since he couldn't escape from the pleasure he shouldn't feel. Lips left his own and he breathed. Another soft kiss, another breath, and then another kiss... Movement never ceasing, as if it was now beyond the control of their bodies.

Without understanding how, Lelouch felt his muscles go stiff and experienced his orgasm as if he was not in his body. He felt Suzaku shudder, too... Another kiss, another breath...

He felt sick, dizzy and dirty. He angered Suzaku but Suzaku made love to him? Made him feel like this?

When his sight got better he saw tan shoulders shaking violently. His lower half of body was slowly laid down on the mattresses. Suzaku's brown mop of hair tickled his nose. His binding was undone quickly. His throbbing hands were pressed against Suzaku's face.

He started to cry. Suzaku was being so gentle with him.

"Suzaku?" he whispered voice like sand. He couldn't tell if it was he himself who was talking. He felt Suzaku's still hard flesh sliding out of his bloodied passage.

Suzaku moved aside from over him and raised his head and when Lelouch saw the tears traveling down those green, green eyes, his eyes went wide.

Suddenly, as if a mist was lifted off of his mind he got out of his trance and reality crashed at him. He was hyperventilating on the verge of losing consciousness, and Suzaku stopped and helped him breath again, his voice broke because he was crying... Becuse Suzaku was raping him.

"Lelouch..." Suzaku wailed just like a child who was lost.

Lelouch didn't even have the strength to say anything. He just closed his eyes on his tears. He slowly turned away from him and curled up around himself.

He wondered what kind of a messy hell they were in now, as he fell asleep listening to Suzaku's sobs.

-

_TBC..._


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **_Alright, fellow fans! You wanted it, here you get it XD Since each of my precious reviewers asked for a sequel, I decided to turn this soap opera... ehm, fan fiction into a multi chaptered fic. I hope you stick with me until the very end and enjoy the ride. And reviews and thoughts are loved._

_Remember that this fic is not beta-ed, so forgive my grammar and spelling mistakes._

_No warnings for this chapter other than building UST._

_-_

**Chapter Two :**

Lelouch woke up all alone on the four posted, king size bed. The sun was shining lazily through the half drawn heavy curtains, indicating an early morning hour. The grand clock mounted on the wall said that it was nearly eight o'clock. He was cold even under the covers, his whole body aching with alternating degrees of pain. His eyes were groggy both from the restless slumber and crying. His head pounded and he couldn't think properly.

But as the events of last night flooded his waking mind, Lelouch shut his eyes against the ignorant sun and started to tremble all over again. His sore arms embraced his shaking shoulders and he tried to will away the memories. It was impossible.

He felt empty. So empty that he felt like filling it with his screams and wails. Yet all he could do was to sob dryly until his body could take no more. He drifted off again, too willing to escape from the cold face of reality that the bloodied sheets and the empty bed embodied.

When he woke up for the second time he began acting like on auto-pilot. He got up shakily on his feet and instantly fell on the floor, rough carpet scraping off his knees. His back side hurt horribly. He bit his lip and forced himself on his hands and knees, crawling on all fours to the adjacent bathroom in their bedroom.

The need to clean himself was so overwhelming that he didn't even realize he was drawing blood from his lip and crying. All thought was single-mindedly bent on reaching there, he wasn't thinking why he did what he did or why he was in this condition, or where Suzaku was. Hell, his mind couldn't even register the fact that last night he was raped by his husband.

Lelouch pushed the white door open and finally his body hit the cold white tiles of the bathroom. He breathed deeply and sat up again, closing the door and locking himself in on instinct against an unfathomable threat his mind couldn't understand. Had he been himself, he would have quickly realized that he was acting like he did at the end of the last night. He was in a self induced trance to block away the awaiting break down which would rend him immobile for a few hours. Subconsciously, he knew he had to get clean, scrub away his dirtiness off of his body and hold fast on the determination of not being defeated by his current state of mind and body.

He crawled into the jacuzzi and let the warm water fill the tube to the brim. Small rivulets of dissolving blood swirled in the water and he cringed at the feeling of warm water on his aching skin. He reached to a board behind him and took some small salt packets, tearing them with his teeth. As the Epsom salts dissolved into the water he leaned back, resting his throbbing head on the rim. His eyes chose a spot on the ceiling and emptily looked at there, unblinking, without focus. The small digital clock on the many boards surrounding the jacuzzi was slowly blinking away the time.

He laid there until he believed that his skin was raw enough to scrub away the imaginary dirt. He emptied the tube and took a wash cloth and turned on the spray. He washed himself until his skin turned pink and the roots of his hair screamed.

When he deemed it was enough, he found that he could get up more easily and less painfully. He went to look at himself on the large mirror above the washbasin. His tired eyes met with a face so foreign to his usually pleasing, relaxed look that the sight was enough to make him start to shake violently on his wobbly legs.

He couldn't look more at his bitten lip, mauled neck and terrified eyes. His gaze fell to his grip on the edge of the basin and registered the marks on his wrists.

His eyes stung.

He just couldn't... Just couldn't take this anymore, ignore this anymore...

He started screaming, the volume escalating until he found that nothing came out of his mouth. His gaze met himself on the mirror again. He started to laugh at his reflection in tears.

So he was raped. So he felt the sick pleasure and he enjoyed it. So he even orgasmed... He even thought that he was the guilty one and deserved the punishment.

So... Suzaku did this to him...

So what?

He cried his heart out and laughed until some sense returned to him. His shock and panic reduced and he gulped down deep breaths.

Really... So what now?

He dried himself and unlocked the door. Slowly, he got dressed and collected the bloodied sheets into the laundry and replaced them with clean ones. He checked the clock, it was nearly midday now. He remembered that Nunally was to bring back the kids in the afternoon. He shuddered at the thought. He had to hide the marks before they came.

He quickly changed into a looser sweater which had longer sleeves than normal to hide the marks on his wrists. He applied some ointment to his lip, thinking of a lie to explain how it happened. He touched the side of his neck and hissed painfully. He wounded a cotton scarf around it thinking of claiming that he felt sore there and wanted to keep it warm...

But, what about his so apparent limping?

He panicked, his mind quickly providing hellish scenarios of Nunally finding out what happened to her dear Onii-sama. Maybe... Maybe he should just call her and beg her to keep the children for just another day, providing a fake excuse, until he could walk properly...

Yes, he should. Nunally was the sweetest of all sisters, she would comply.

He searched for his cell but couldn't find it. He reached for the phone on their nightstand but met with a _no signal_ sound. His eyes went wide. His heart started to race fervently. No, it couldn't be what he was thinking... Just, no way...

Lelouch limped his way downstairs and checked the phone in the hall. Then he went to the main living room, but it was the same. He even went to his design room to check his computer connections, since they worked on an external separate line, biting on his nails as he waited for the machines to boot.

"No network or Internet connections." said the damn boxes on the corner of the monitors.

By now he was in a cold sweat and breathing raggedly, his back side throbbing painfully from his panicked movements.

_'Be calm... Be calm...' _He was repeating it to himself like a mantra. _'Think... Just think again...'_

Totally forgetting why he even needed to use a phone, he thought about just going outside and ask for a neighbor to let him use their phone. He didn't even remember that the closest neighbor to them was at least 250 meters away and beyond their vast garden.

He limped to the hall and then the to front door... Just to find it locked. His hands were shaking. He searched for his spare keys in the portmanteau but they were gone. Lelouch didn't afford to give up. He checked all the doors and the windows on the base floor that opened to their garden. He even checked for the emergency exit door in the far end of the kitchen.

He slumped down, his back sliding against the door, silent tears escaping his eyes. He was a prisoner in his own house... Imprisoned by Suzaku, who had touched him ruthlessly and broken his body and heart. He felt so weak, helpless, and frightened.

_'What now? So what will happen to me now?'_

His head was swimming between his hands. So Suzaku had been really serious about not letting him out as long as he deemed fit. But the tears he shed last night, after the disaster he brought upon himself and Lelouch, looked so real. His eyes looked so lost and remorseful... Or was that just an act?

Lelouch didn't know how in seven hells he could face Suzaku again when he would return home. Would Suzaku hurt him again? Would he do the same thing if Lelouch started quarreling with him or ignoring him? Would he let him go? Where would he go?

Lelouch wiped away his tears. No sane person would want to stay in the same room with their rapist even when they were a wife to the said person, even when they are still madly in love with them. But where could he go? To involve a stranger -even if they were friends- was an absolute no-no. Nunally? His half brother Rolo? A miserable smile touched his lips. What would he say to them?

_'Well, my husband gone mad and raped me. And I am so afraid of him and weak that I have no where else but you to go...' _

Just fabulous...

Lelouch sighed heavily. He was going ahead of himself, thinking where to go when he had no way of getting himself out of the house, let alone a means of connecting to the outside world.

He wondered what would happen when little Rurushu saw his Kaa-chan like this. Suzuko was so small and would be blissfully ignorant, but Rurushu was such a clever boy that there was no way he wouldn't understand his mother's distress...

He leaned his head to the door. Where did all these put his and Suzaku's relationship? He likened himself to the women who were appearing on the morning shows talking about their abusive relationship between them and their husbands or lovers. When did he became like them? He used to be so independent, fiercely going after his own ideals and dreams. When did he became like this to feel so vulnerable and helpless? He sighed... After he decided to spend the rest of his life with Suzaku....

But how did Suzaku became this way? Was Lelouch really at fault to make him do the extreme? Did Lelouch really provoke all these to happen to him by his carelessness and arguable actions?

_'What am I doing?' _Lelouch shook himself.

_'I am trying to put the blame on myself. Am I this much stupid or... in love?'_

There had to be a way to make Suzaku stop and think what he was doing. There had to be a way to make him understand that Lelouch really loved him and looked for none other. But Lelouch needed time to restore his broken pride. His anger and broken spirit demanded vengeance. He felt the fury so deep within that it was enough to make him choke on his breath.

How should he act? He knew that he had nothing to say to Suzaku, he didn't even want to look at him. Should he start arguing? Should he be the old fierce Lelouch and demand atonement? But if Suzaku was like this, Lelouch was sure that last night would not just remain as a single occurrence. Hell, there wasn't any guarantee that it wouldn't happen again even if he acted passive and never spoke of it.

The best solution seemed to be avoiding Suzaku. As if it was even possible in a house with no where else to go. He tried to will away the throbbing migraine attack residing at the back of his temples.

His internal battle was interrupted when he heard the front door's lock turning. The chirpy voice of Suzuko and excited tone of Rurushu reached his ears; Suzaku telling their son not to rush.

His heart leaped to his throat. A blend of different emotions attacked him. He felt a mother's worry, a lover's hurt, a victim's fear and old Lelouch's prideful anger all invading his chest at the same time. He got up from the floor but couldn't choose between going to the hall and standing here in the kitchen.

His problem was solved by a sprinting Rurushu, who ran to the kitchen calling him.

Lelouch willed away the trembling in his voice and hands as he answered him. The energetic boy leaped on his Kaa-chan, ignorant of his injuries, and hugged him tightly.

"Kaa-chan, I missed you!"

Lelouch's eyes watered from the pain and the whirlpool of emotions he felt, but he smiled to his son.

"I missed you, too, Rurushu..."

The boy showered him with kisses as he unknowingly held tight on the side of his marked neck.

"Did you have fun?" asked Lelouch smiling at him lovingly.

"Yup! Auntie played with us, she cooked for us and told stories. Then Tou-san came for us."

_Thanks, Nunally..._

When he looked up at the kitchen door he saw Suzaku holding their baby daughter and her bag draped over his shoulder. Lelouch couldn't stand looking at him, suddenly feeling anger bubbling up in his chest, suppressing all other emotions. He didn't talk, just walked past Suzaku to go to the main living room, still limping against his efforts.

Suzaku followed him inside and Rurushu leaped off, holding Lelouch's hand to make him sit on a couch with him.

"Kaa-san is hurt?"

Lelouch tried to smile as he sat beside his son.

"I just tripped over my foot, Rurushu."

"Kaa-chan's voice is bad."

Lelouch bit his lip, searching for an answer. But lying whilst looking into Rurushu's big green eyes was hurting. Suzaku beat him to it.

"Last night was chilly, your mother must have caught a cold, Rurushu." Suzaku said, as he laid the baby on the small cradle in the far end of the room.

The boy watched his father return to his seat and then raised on his feet and leaned on Lelouch.

"Then I should kiss Kaa-chan better." And Rurushu pecked him on the cheek sweetly.

"Rurushu, why don't you take your new puzzle upstairs and have a look at it?" asked Suzaku dismissively. Rurushu just looked at his father. Apparently, the small child was sensing that something was wrong. The boy had Suzaku's looks, but his behavior, mind and the way he held himself were reminiscent of Lelouch's boyhood.

He quickly grabbed Lelouch's hand and made him sat up.

"Kaa-chan should come and see what Rurushu has."

Lelouch was too eager to comply, since he didn't want to be alone with Suzaku.

"No, your mother is staying here."

Rurushu met his father's sharp eyes, his hold tightening.

"But..."

"Rurushu, just do as I say!"

The boy let go of Lelouch's hand involuntarily, throwing a displeased look at Suzaku. He quickly ran away and climbed the stairs.

Lelouch stood there without knowing what to do. He didn't want to show his distress and quickly decided to check on Suzuko to hide his growing anxiety.

As soon as the little baby girl saw him, her deep violet eyes squinted with happiness and she began to reach for him with her small hands.

Lelouch leaned forward, he was too tired and hurt to take the baby, so he opted for kissing and hugging her whilst she was still in her cradle. He was aware of how Suzaku was watching him but Lelouch was not the one who would talk first.

As he caressed Suzuko's chubby cheeks and earning giggles from her, Suzaku sat up and approached him. It took all of his power to pretend that he didn't care and not to just run away from the spot.

Suzaku's voice was warm, so unlike the way it had been last night.

"Lelouch..."

Lelouch didn't even look up.

"Lelouch, look at me..." That same demand.

Suzaku was standing on the other side of the cradle and looking at them.

"I am sorry for the last night." he said his voice seemed sincere, but Lelouch was far from believing.

"I didn't mean to hurt you that much." _That much?..._

"So you meant to hurt to me just a little bit, but, opps... You accidentally raped your wife." Lelouch seethed despite he had promised himself not to utter a word.

He could see how Suzaku's grip tightened on the railings of the cradle.

"It is partly your fault, Lelouch." Suzaku spat in a whisper.

"Don't speak anymore, Suzaku... The small amount of respect I still hold for you is diminishing quickly as you continue with your nonsense."

"So you still want to play the innocent, don't you? I see, you have no shame left. I still think the same. You love showing yourself off, you love the attention you get, you think I am not enough for you anymore, don't you?"

Suzaku was practically straining his voice not to shout and scare the children, he was fuming.

"And you think that locking me up will solve everything..." Lelouch spat back.

"You will stay here. I won't let anyone cast their eyes on you, I won't let you think of any other while I am still alive!"

Lelouch was on the verge of tears, struggling with himself not to look at Suzaku's eyes.

"I have always been faithful to you!" His voice rose an octave as he backed away from the cradle for fear of scaring Suzuko.

"You took all of my firsts, you can't deny it!" Two drops fell.

"And I have never thought of any other but you..."

He was slowly going backwards for the front door.

"Gods, you no longer love me,Suzaku! You don't even believe me..."

But Suzaku understood his intention and followed him quickly. He caught his wrist and pulled him towards himself.

With panic, Lelouch realized that he was in Suzaku's arms. He struggled and forgetting the children, even tried to scream. His voice was muffled by Suzaku's hand instantly.

"Shh, You'll scare the children." His voice was so soft. His arms rendering him immobile but not hurting him. His hand slowly slid down and started to play with his nipped lower lip and jaw. His eyes full of mindless adoration.

"Lelouch, I believe you... But I must make sure that you will keep true to your claims until the end. You are too precious to me, I can't take any risks. So, you will stay here like this as long as I say so."

Lelouch had believed that he was not a weakling to be terror-struck. Yet, a simple touch from Suzaku had been enough. He was just like a helpless little game, mesmerized by the sight of an elegant predator. Even if Suzaku had not held him like this, he wouldn't have had the strength to move an inch. He was just standing there passively, looking up at his slightly taller husband with wide, unblinking eyes, painfully aware of Suzaku's body heat, the way he looked at him and the way his touches felt. Burning, consuming... He was trembling all over.

Suzaku leaned in closer, tilting his head to the side slightly. Lelouch gasped with fear, his own body feeling suffocatingly hot all of a sudden. Suzaku's sweet breath was on his skin. He was almost kissing him, eyes half closed, regarding him like sharpened steel. The hand on his back was now drawing soothing circles over his rigid spine, the other was on his neck and chin, caressing the skin there with deft fingers and keeping him in place.

It was too much for Lelouch. His heart was almost giving out and his stomach was flip flopping in fear and in anticipation of the never coming touch. Suzaku's breath was just hovering over his lips, cheeks and jaw, making his skin almost crawl with the feeling. Lelouch's jumbled mind fleetingly registered that he was becoming aroused by the probability of things to come that Suzaku's almost-touches promised, the way their bodies were flushed so close together, the way Suzaku's exquisite eyes looked at him with held back dark desires.

Memories resurfacing, Lelouch felt sick and captivated; he couldn't help but close his eyes with a whimper.

Suzaku smiled darkly at his reaction. He leaned in to whisper in to Lelouch's ear with his teasing hot breath.

"I will never forgive myself for doing that to you, Lelouch, but I will never tolerate for even the small chance of you showing this face of yours to anyone but me... You are my beloved, and only I can cherish you the way you deserve."

Lelouch felt a chaste kiss on his lips as Suzaku whispered against them. "I love you, I love you so much, Lelouch."

And the arms left Lelouch abrubtly, leaving him disoriented and dizzy. He wavered on his boneless legs and covered his trembling lips.

As he heard the front door being closed and locked, he learned breathing anew, realizing that he never felt like this before.

Totally captivated, thrilled, sick with the way his body ached for the contact, frightened to the core...

And consumed between anger and love.

-

_TBC..._


	3. Chapter 3

**Same disclaimers apply...**

**Chapter 3 **

Lelouch sat on a couch for a while to regain his self control. His legs felt like unmovable lead pillars and his insides were burning. But he couldn't place a finger on with what emotion his stomach was churning and making his belly feel like drenched in boiling fire.

What was that now? Why was his brilliant mind failing him to find an answer?

He was still breathing in a fast pace, yet his heart was not calming down. He was frightened of Suzaku. That was a given now. And he was also seemingly powerless. He knew that as long as Suzaku was careful with how he touched him, how he talked to him, he could easily coax anything from him physically. And the thought sickened Lelouch. The way he responded to Suzaku's almost touches and ghost-like lips on his skin were the evidence that though Lelouch felt used and betrayed after last night, his body didn't think the same.

"What am I hoping for?" Lelouch smiled ruefully. "I have never known another's touch, I am so used to him, so addicted to him that whatever he does results with the same responses that my body have come to memorize and crave for... It is so unjust..."

Yet what made Lelouch afraid was not how Suzaku would touch him in their next possible encounter, but to which extend Suzaku was willing to go in order to remove his ungrounded doubts about Lelouch and his love for him.

_'That idiot...'_ he thought, '_Does he think that no one will understand that something is wrong?.. Does he think that he can ward off people's suspicions?'_

Lelouch knew that sooner or later someone close to them would question his absence, would wonder why he wasn't answering the phone, why he wasn't seen anywhere... Then what would Suzaku say to them? He knew Suzaku... He was neither intelligent enough to fabricate elaborate, perfect lies without a defect, nor a man who could lie without bating an eyelash. He would slip up somewhere... Maybe to Nunally, to Rolo... Then again, what would happen if someone came to their door out of blue, to have a cup of coffee with Lelouch or to pay a family visit to them?

The thought made Lelouch both see a flicker of hope and feel hopeless inside. Could he tell them that he was being kept as a prisoner in his own house by Suzaku? He hated it when outsiders poked their noses to his life. Really now, wouldn't it traumatize their already worse situation into the worst? He knew that Suzaku was not yet on the point of thinking about such possibilities that stormed in his mind. Suzaku was solely focused on him doing what he asked of him to do. Namely, staying in the house and cutting all of his previous ties to the world that used to surround him. Suzaku was impulsive. He would just act like as if everything was alright between them were -by any chance- someone wanted to see Lelouch in their house or asked him what was going on. Or maybe, even as a worse case scenario, he would just tell them to get their noses out of their lives and mind their own business.

Lelouch felt dizzy with the thoughts running in his mind. He was prone to calculate everything beforehand and consider all the possibilities, and now his mind was working against him. His habit of guessing every future step and planning his moves ahead to counteract was now making him consider every outcome of each scenario his mind provided about his current predicament. And what he could guess were causing him a headache with their grimness. Making accurate guesses was good in project management business -oh, how he was missing his active times in his job-, but it was more than tiring to do so when every possibility gave way to another ticket for futile anxiety and despair.

Yet, at some corner of his mind, he was thinking that he could solve this with Suzaku without making a big fuss out of it._ Big fuss, huh?... _Another annoyed smile touched his lips. As if getting raped and then getting locked up had been an everyday thing in their previous life, he was trying to find hope within himself to make everything right again. But, how could he know without trying, without really giving his best?

As his head was in between his hands, gazing at the carpet's patterns with unseeing eyes, he knew that the will to solve their problem was taking its roots from his will to not give up on Suzaku and what he had built with him against all odds; their little family...

He tripped back to reality with the thin wailing of Suzuko. She was crying in her cradle full force. Lelouch smiled. Suzuko must have been either hungry or her diaper needed to be changed.

He carefully sat up and walked to her, his legs and back still stinging painfully. He took her out and started to coo to her knowing that hearing his voice would soothe her. Checking her diaper, he quickly understood that the problem was hunger. He draped her on his left shoulder and went to the kitchen. The little girl understood that he was going to prepare something for her and quickly stopped her wailing and crying, opting for watching his movements through bleary violet eyes as she nuzzled her head against his neck.

He was talking to her as if she could understand what he was saying. Quickly preparing some fruity formula for her, he knew that she was listening to him, so he went on talking to her for he sake of keeping Suzuko busy. Her familiar warmth against his chest and neck was soothing him, too.

He could very easily remember the way he looked after his own sister after their mother's death. Their father had always been a cold, distant man who never really cared for any of his children like a father should have done. He was a father just in the name and the lavish way of life he provided for his children. At least, Rolo's mother, who was not recognized by their father as a lawful wife even after their mother Marienne died, was kind to them.

When he heard that they had another sibling out of wedlock, Lelouch didn't feel anger towards neither to the boy -who was one year older than Nunally and two years younger than him- nor to the mother who was denied a normal life with a proper family. He chose to hate his father with whom he rarely talked or met, without any need to count the fact that the man had married someone else as soon as their mother died.

Accepting Rolo into the small world he had created with Nunally was a hard task at fist. But as time went by he loved him just the same. He learned how to take care for somebody, how to cook, how to wash clothes and dishes, how to tend small wounds on knees and hands, how to sing lullabies, how to help doing homework just for them even when their father still provided them with a large house, a lot of money that came regularly and a maid. He learned how to share, how to be selfless, how to care unconditionally just for Nunnaly's and Rolo's sake.

He caught himself smiling as he fed Suzuko. He knew that the reason why he could adapt into a domestic life so easily with Suzaku was his experiences with Rolo and Nunally. Those precious experiences still had their illumination on his ways how he loved and tended to Rurushu and Suzuko. The three of them had lived a life of total abandonment after Rolo's mother died, too. They knew what it meant to have a broken family, what it meant to know having a sibling by their side whom could take over a parent's place, even though the replacement was also a bitter reminder of that said parent's absence.

Suzuko contently lulled herself asleep in his embrace after he fed her. And as Lelouch carried her to the room she shared with Rurushu, he felt that his resolve to redeem what was lost yesterday between Suzaku and himself strengthen. For, there was no way he could let Suzuko and Rurushu go through the same pain Nunally, Rolo and he felt during their childhood all those years ago.

-

Lelouch worked on the remaining three projects he still couldn't finish. Rurushu was playing with the colorful illustrations he had been making for the past few weeks. Lelouch didn't mind though, since he saw them pointless now. The ideas belonged to Rolo. He was the one who did the expedition on his behalf, so he brought his own ideas to lessen Lelouch's work. But apparently his and Rolo's tastes were clashing. He wished he could just ask Nunally to give him some new ideas to start anew. He sighed with boredom. It was currently impossible.

"Kaa-chan, these two look good together, don't they?" Asked Rurushu with a big smile on his face. Lelouch knelt behind his son to look at what he was referring to. In his small hands he was holding two totally different designs he considered to apply to the general interior of an elite business center. One was metallic colors based, the other was of water colors.

"Just like the inside of a ship under the water." he said. Lelouch smiled on his son lovingly and kissed his forehead. He liked the idea.

"Come here, Rurushu, watch me and tell me if I will do it as you imagined."

Rurushu hopped on his feet and went to the computer terminals, taking a seat near his Kaa-chan, he started to watch him work on the metal works of the interior.

Time passed quickly. Lelouch found himself nearly finishing the initial designs of the metal work. When all the calculations were done, he started on the illumination and glass work. It was tiring, for sure, but seeing Rurushu enjoy what he was doing was also giving him excitement he hadn't felt for a long time.

When he adjusted the already existing virtual 3D model of the interior of the reception and management rooms of the massive building to his new concept, Rurushu was clapping his hands saying that it was the coolest thing he ever saw and his Kaa-chan was creating miracles. He wasn't aware that what Lelouch loved about his job was making someone else's dreams about a place to come true. Yet, Suzaku was unable to see through Lelouch's delight in working so hard to materialize someone else's dream world for them.

It was nearly seven o'clock. Suzuko had been asleep for about four hours now and Lelouch totally forgot to prepare anything for the dinner in his delight to be able to finish half of his work on the project he was doing. Rurushu was tired, too. Yet he was still happily babbling about the ornate glass panes and massive aquariums Lelouch included in the designs just because he asked for them.

Lelouch didn't want to spend time in the kitchen to prepare the dinner but he didn't feel up to listening to Suzaku's -highly probable- displeased monologue. Suzaku was generally irritable after work, usually put off by one of his clients or one of his colleagues.

So, to spare himself from any more uncalled for drama, Lelouch went to kitchen with his son, asking him what he wanted to eat. Yet, the lights were on around and in the kitchen area; he didn't remember leaving them on. As they approached Lelouch saw Suzaku was already home and even in the middle of preparing a western meal that Rurushu enjoyed eating. Surprise flickered in his eyes as he watched Suzaku skillfully chopping some shrimps for the salad.

"Tou-san, when did you...?" asked Rurushu, pleased to his father whilst he tried to climb on one of the high chairs near the kitchen island to watch his father more closely.

Suzaku smiled to him, putting the nicely cut ingredients into the salad bowl.

"Half an hour ago, Rurushu. And since there was nothing ready, I decided to prepare dinner for us."

Lelouch was still watching uneasily from his place near the entrance. Suzaku was not a man to do such things for them. Not that he wasn't able to, but it was generally Lelouch who would think about everyday things like this. Suzaku was either mad about him for not doing what he expected of Lelouch to do, or he was just trying to reach a common grounds with him by showing a simple gesture of helping him out by sparing him from preparing dinner for them.

Suzaku was smiling and asking Rurushu how his day passed, so, he didn't seem particularly in a foul mood. But Lelouch couldn't bring himself to believe that Suzaku was sensible enough to do this for him as a means of a silent apology.

"Lelouch, would you stir the soup a little?"

He shook himself out of his thoughts and went to the cooker and started to stir the soup dazedly. It smelled nice...of mushrooms and cream? His gaze traveled to the other pans and saw that Suzaku was cooking Italian pasta with seafood and cream sauce. It looked delicious and unbelievable.

His still surprised gaze involuntarily landed on Suzaku who was still preparing the salad and its sauce and talking to their son as if everything was normal, as if tonight was just another night in their happy life as a little family. It looked surreal. Not that Suzaku's absurd appearance with an apron over his dress shirt and pants looked a little forced, but how he was acting was so out of the picture he had been presenting for the past night and day that Lelouch just couldn't decide what to feel or think.

"So you were the one that gave the idea of using aquariums in the rooms?" Suzaku was asking and Rurushu was answering with an air of boyish pride as Suzaku fed him with pieces of salmons he was arranging.

"How did it come out, Lelouch?"

Lelouch looked at him with surprise, he hadn't been listening.

"What?" he asked. Suzaku smiled gently. "The design..."

"Oh, t-that?.." Lelouch felt nervous under Suzaku's oh so green eyes. When Suzaku leaned towards the burner, and thus towards Lelouch, to add the final ingredients to the pasta, Lelouch quickly stepped away without even thinking. Realizing that he simply moved on instinct to escape from Suzaku, he tried to cover it up by talking, eyes downcast.

"It...It came out fine, thanks to Rurushu's ideas..." And he added as an after thought to dispel the sudden silence in the kitchen, "Though I think Rolo will have to go over it after I hand it over."

He knew that Suzaku was watching him with silent contemplation and solemnity.

Just as he guessed, that abrupt reaction on Lelouch's part was not lost on Suzaku. He turned of all three burners without a glimmer of humor he had been showing in his face just a moment ago.

"You should set the table, Lelouch." He said, and watched him disappear into the dining room hurriedly with a handful of plates, glasses and tableware.

-

The dinner was delicious and as he ate, Lelouch remembered that he hadn't eaten the whole day. Rurushu and he was going on their second helpings and Suzaku was feeding and playing with Suzuko who was still trying to fall asleep over her food.

They barely spoke to each other and every time a word was uttered over the clink clanks of the tableware and the glasses, it was Suzaku who tried to initiate conversation. Lelouch tried his best to act aloof and carefree, but his efforts were resulting in tottery movements and nervous gestures.

Finally when it was over, Lelouch picked up as many dishes as he could and carried them to the kitchen. He was placing them into the dishwasher when Suzaku came, carrying more to be washed in his hands. He stopped and watched Lelouch work.

"You didn't eat anything whole day, did you?" Lelouch's shoulders stiffened. He nearly slipped one of the glasses he was holding.

"Careful..." murmured Suzaku. Lelouch continued his work without answering. Why his heart had to go wild every time he heard Suzaku's voice, he didn't understand. Trying to will away the slight tremor in his hands, he continued to busy himself with what he was doing.

"Won't you answer to me, Lelouch?"

He knew that Suzaku was trying to get a reaction from him, of any kind, but he felt anger rising in his chest. Yet, he was also aware that acting like this would bring him nowhere, so he mumbled a small _'Yes'_ to Suzaku, hoping that he would just go away.

"Does anywhere hurt?" But apparently Suzaku was measuring his patience.

"Yes," he answered, this time with more volume and strain in his voice.

"My body hurts, but more than anything, my pride and heart hurt..." he raised his defiant violet eyes to Suzaku from where he was crouching.

"Do you have any remedy for them?" He bit down without being able to hide his contempt.

Suzaku was gazing at him with an unreadable look.

"Are you insisting on to fiddle about with that matter again?" Lelouch shut the lid of the dishwasher way too harshly and got up. No, he had to say it, he had to voice out everything to Suzaku so he could understand what he had been doing to them. He sighed and readied himself.

"Look, Suzaku... What you did and said last night were not fickle things to forget so easily on my part. You took me against my will, hurt me intentionally with your words and touches. You locked me here as if I am an animal. Do you expect me to just forget it all and smile all around? Are you this much out of your mind to expect us to continue our lives as if everything is alright?" He felt amazed with the way how he was all calm and not bursting out in a fit of mindless anger and hurt.

"No, I don't expect it." said Suzaku and Lelouch thought that for just a moment a sad, lonely look passed across Suzaku's face.

"Then why are you doing this to us, Suzaku?" Lelouch asked pleadingly, his eyes tearing. Suzaku regarded him for a moment and casted his glance away.

"Can't you really tell the reason, Lelouch?" His voice suddenly sounding disappointed and melancholic.

"Are you... Are you still saying that it is because of me?" Lelouch asked incredulously, still unable to understand how Suzaku seemed to had reasoned out everything with his twisted logic and expected him to see it from his own perspective.

Lelouch hadn't even known before that a person's heart and mind could spin around so many different emotions at the same second as if he was on a roller coaster. He was feeling despair, feeling helpless, feeling furious, broken, unable... Suzaku was not helping, he was just observing how he was thrashing around to find a solution, a reason.

"Why all of a sudden?" His voice broke and rose to a higher pitch. "Why all of a sudden you thought that it would be a good idea to change your personality? Have you just realized that people might be looking at me with other intentions? Have you just figured out it would be a fantastic way to guarantee my fidelity by raping and locking me up? Why... Suzaku... What has changed between us?"

A single tear drop fell from Lelouch's eye and he quickly wiped away the others that would have followed them with a shaking hand. In his passive observance of the way how Lelouch broke apart slowly yet again in front of him, the only emotions passed over Suzaku's features were sadness and disappointment. His eyes were shining, too.

"Have you ever looked at me for the past three years, Lelouch?" he asked, slowly reaching for Lelouch's scarf-covered neck.

Lelouch could just stand still, incomprehension and fearful anticipation of the coming touch rooting him on the spot.

"What...?" He whispered. Suzaku's eyes and the movement of his hand on the edge of his vision hypnotized him.

"I asked ... if you ever looked at me truly for the past three years." Suzaku's long fingers were slowly undoing the tie on the soft cloth as if opening the ribbon of a present. Lelouch's hands went up to stop him but Suzaku just closed the distance between them and trapped his hands between their chests.

"You can't think that last night was the result of just a petty argument, Lelouch..." His arm effectively trapped Lelouch's thin waist, keeping him from escaping like he had done awhile ago. Lelouch felt his heart jump up to his throat as words fumbled around the lump anchored there.

"What do you...mean?"

Damn, he was trembling all over again as Suzaku's fingers began to roam around the area of his abused skin, sending jolts of shivers to his spine. He felt dizzy with the close proximity and the way Suzaku's eyes regarded him wasn't helping to ease neither his fear nor his embarrassing bodily responses. He could barely stifle a whimper, a faint blush rising on his cheeks, and he could hardly breathe.

"And they say the clever one among us is you..." Suzaku remarked without humor but tightening his grip around Lelouch's waist.

"Lelouch, you forgot me somewhere along the way three years ago. You forgot what I was to you, what we used to be. And now you say that you can't recognize me anymore. Isn't it unfair?"

He leaned in slowly, watching how Lelouch's eyes were widening, sensing how his body became hot all of a sudden, hearing how his breath hitched and feeling how his hands were clenching against his chest.

But Lelouch turned his face away, shutting his eyes tightly, his breath leaving his lips in a trembling rush. Suzaku didn't want to dwell on the rejection. He just went for Lelouch's neck and nuzzled his face against the bruised skin, making Lelouch gasp for a little air.

Lelouch's eyes snapped open, he tried to push Suzaku away, unintentionally making him tighten his one sided embrace and flush their bodies even more closer. What Suzaku was saying and doing to him was enough to paralyze him, but his body didn't agree with him as it tried to feel more of the contours of Suzaku's strong, lean frame, his warmth, his touch.

_Not again, not again..._ He was whispering to himself, mortified by the way how he was losing his self control so quickly. Why was it so easy to melt away in Suzaku's arms, why was it so hard to think when he needed it the most?

"I... I don't understand..." There, he whimpered.

"What you mean... I...Suza-..." He bit on his lower lip when he felt Suzaku's lips sucking on the bite mark.

"You don't understand...?" Suzaku chuckled humorlessly. "I am now what you made me to be. You can't just get away from the responsibility of what you have done by claiming that you don't understand."

Lelouch's vision blurred as he gazed at the ceiling. Too much... He just couldn't... Suzaku's hand was now on his bare skin, long fingers splayed, caressing him possessively under his sweater. His mouth was lavishly devouring his neck as if it was edible, as if he was hungering for the blood under that thin, pale cover, his lips and tongue licking on the purple teeth marks. Lelouch felt weak, he realized that one of his hands was close to the base of Suzaku's neck, on his collar bone, feeling his heart beats. They were as strong and rapid as his own.

"It is so easy to dump all of the guilt on my shoulders, isn't it?"

Lelouch was painfully aware how the cloths they wore were sliding against each other and on his hyper sensitized skin as Suzaku's mouth and breath moved to his jaw and below his ear in a tortuously sensual way. His wavy brown locks were caressing and tingling the side of his face... He could still hear the faint noises coming from the TV from the living room, and Rurushu's voice as he talked to Suzuko. Yet, their breathing seemed far too loud for his ears, the way they panted, the thundering of their heart beats...

"Are you this much afraid yet captivated by what you have turned me into, Lelouch?"

...the liquid fire tone of Suzaku's voice... seemed too loud, too sensual, too...erotic.

Lelouch sobbed miserably. He was feeling Suzaku's hardness and he tried to get way from him to hide his own. Where was his voice, where was his tongue again?

Suzaku's fingers wounded themselves among his hair and made him turn his head around slowly.

"What you want me to do to you, love?" He asked, half lidded green eyes darkened with lust. His hand was massing Lelouch's scalp and the other was mapping out his side and ribs. He was like a lion, who was trying to coax his prey into being eaten by lapping at its wounds in a cruel mockery of affection. Yet the answer to whether his lips and touches were urging the wounds to close or to bleed more was hiding in the depths of his soulful eyes.

"Stop..." Lelouch closed his eyes again as he understood that Suzaku was going to kiss him. He pushed him away with more vigor to show that he still had some sense in him, even though his body felt like melted butter, his head like stuffed with cotton. This was getting them nowhere. Instead of being the one who should bring forth some sense and reason to what was happening between them, Lelouch was the one who was losing his own ground.

"But I am not hurting you, I thought you were enjoying..." came Suzaku's childish whine against his lips.

"Stop, don't touch me... Get away!" Lelouch shouted the last bit and succeeded in pushing him away, or maybe Suzaku just let him do so. Suzaku's eyes widened with hurt but quickly narrowed down with silent contempt. They were still panting and Lelouch had to seek purchase on the edge of the kitchen island to steady his shaky legs.

A soft pitter patter sound of feet approached to the entrance. Lelouch hid his face by turning away.

"What happened, Tou-san?" asked Rurushu from the doorway.

"Nothing, Rurushu." Suzaku turned his face to his son without moving from where he stood.

"Just go and take care of Suzuko, OK? We are coming in a minute." He reassured his anxious son with a fake smile. Rurushu nodded and hesitantly went back. Suzaku faced Lelouch again who was trying to don the scarf back on his neck to hide the mark.

"Why do you think I gave that mark to you?" He asked as he straightened his shirt. His voice betrayed an emotion close to misery.

Lelouch didn't look at him or answer him, teary eyes downcast.

"Do you remember the last time we just sat and talked about each other like we used to do?"

He gave an exasperated sigh.

"We lost something, Lelouch, and until the time we find it again, you will be here...like this."

He turned away and as he got out of the kitchen murmured, his voice lacking its usual quality of optimism.

"I will be in my study, I have work to finish."

And he walked away like a defeated man.

Lelouch suppressed a sob and swallowed. He didn't know what to think, what to feel. He just wanted to sleep now, in hopes of waking up next morning to find that all these were nothing but a bad dream.

-

_TBC... _


	4. Chapter 4

**Same disclamers apply...**

So much for wailing and fooling around... Bleh.

**AN:** _We have no angsty Lelouch for this chapter, sorry :D Instead we have Kallen, Gino, and Suzaku. Next chapter will be mostly from Suzaku's indirect pov, too... So, we will get to know more about what is happening in his mind all this while. And, let me say that a week has passed since _that night.

**Chapter 4**

They did not utter a word after they left the Hall of Justice. On the way back, Suzaku sat mutely in the passenger seat as Gino drove around the city and Kallen furiously checked her folders for the afternoon's case. She was trying to keep silent for Suzaku's sake, taking her anger on the meticulously arranged and planned argument she was to present for her client. Gino was watching her from the rear-view mirror, huffing softly to himself.

"Kallen, last time I checked, you don't have laser beams that can burn papers." Gino uttered offhandedly.

Kallen gave an aggravated sigh, brows furrowed beyond recognition.

"Ha ha... Try again sometime, Gino." She challenged humorlessly and Gino smiled apologetically as he shut up.

He could understand why Kallen felt disturbed. She and Suzaku had been classmates and fast friends ever since their days in the college. Suzaku's silence had to have a bad effect on her and she was openly displaying her aggravation in Suzaku's place, too. Yet it seemed that she was at the end of her patience. She closed the folders and tucked them into her suitcase all the while making any kinds of noise to arise a reaction from Suzaku. Gino was patiently waiting.

At last she crossed her arms and leaned back.

"Say something, Suzaku!" She implored.

Suzaku didn't even glance back, he continued to watch the busy streets as their car pulled by them.

"Kallen, I made a mistake and I will take its responsibility." He sighed resignedly. His face was passive like that of a fighter's who threw in the towel in the first round. It was so unlike the Suzaku that Kallen had come to know, she suddenly felt betrayed. She took in a deep breath and her eyes met with Gino's on the mirror.

"You have changed, Suzaku." she murmured, her gaze turning to the scene the windows presented. Even Gino could catch the way how Suzaku's shoulders momentarily stiffened.

"Slowly, but how I don't know... You are not the enthusiastic Suzaku of that bleak college auditoriums any more."

"People change, Kallen... For better or for worse..." Came the answering murmur which drew another sigh from her lips.

In the morning, Kallen and Suzaku had attended to the same case in the assize court, defending a group of businessmen from a renowned company who were framed by their higher ups with charges of fraud and money laundry. The case seemed as one of the usual ones they frequently got, yet as they worked with the inspectors from the ministry of labor and social security, they got clues that let them to suspect some political figures' involvement. What made today a disaster was Suzaku's mistake on forgetting to bring in some crucial evidence folders which he had been working on for a few days.

He also couldn't believe how he did it, but this mistake cost them a valuable hearing time and some snide remarks from the company's lawyers. He covered his mistake by his persuasive private speech that he requested from the judge, claiming that there were some last minute changes in their arguments to be discussed with their sources. Yet, all in all, the knowledge of letting a good change slip by because of a simple mistake like that and wait for another week to the next appointed hearing was a blow both to himself and Kallen. She was not someone who couldn't tolerate mistakes, since the case was not hers to begin with, but she was afraid in Suzaku's name who would probably be the victim of some ugly rumors among their job circle about his rapidly deteriorating attention and skills.

The way Suzaku seemed so passive about the event was unnerving on many levels for both Gino and Kallen. They knew Suzaku for such a long time that they were dumbfounded by the repeating mistakes he was committing recently. Actually, they deemed this week as a disaster on Suzaku's part. This was the third mistake of his in a row and they were certain that their manager Bismarck, who was an ex-public prosecutor, would call him to hear an explanation. And Kallen was feeling responsible.

When the car stopped the others turned to look at Gino who was smiling one of his usual aloof grins.

"What?" He asked, light blue eyes dancing in mock innocence. "Aren't you hungry?"

They got out and followed him into the restaurant not very enthusiastically. The midday hour was busy with workers and businessmen who wanted to get something to eat whilst they have a nice chat with their colleagues, yet this particular restaurant had a calm atmosphere with less patrons scattered around the tables here and there.

They went to their usual table since they were frequent patrons there and ordered their meals. Suzaku was playing with his food as he was glancing at the clock frequently. Gino, who was sitting opposite to him, tried to ignore the repetitive gesture by making his usual taunts to Kallen, yet even though she played along his game to cheer up the table, it was becoming impossible for them to ignore Suzaku's compulsive manner.

"I know that your afternoon hearing is at two thirty, Suzaku, so please stop beaming holes at the poor old clock."

Kallen snorted as Suzaku looked up to him, face full of surprise, but his eyes quickly narrowed down again and he shrugged dismissively.

"Right..." Muttered Kallen. "Would you please at least talk to us?" Her voice didn't carry the politeness of the words.

"What shall I say, Kallen?" Suzaku's interest focused on her.

"God, how I feel for Lelouch..." She declared exasperatedly. "How can he survive an evening with a stone man beside him without dying from the lack of communication?"

Though Gino smirked at the remark, the way Suzaku's lips tightened didn't escape from him.

"Suzaku, we have been friends for what, seven years? Please don't take our worry as stuffing our noses into your life, but if there is anything we could do..."

"No, there isn't..." He cut off.

They felt momentarily taken aback by Suzaku's unapproachable attitude. Yet Kallen couldn't help but ask.

"Are you ill?"

"I guess I am not getting enough sleep lately." Suzaku confessed.

"And may I ask the reason?"

Suzaku sighed, unable to refrain from glancing at the clock again.

"The reason is Lelouch..."

Gino, as expected from him, nearly burst into laughing by the implication of Suzaku being kept awake _because of_ Lelouch... The mental image was alone enough to make him crack up. Yet Kallen quickly elbowed him at his side, effectively helping him sober up immediately.

For the first time in a week a small smile touched Suzaku's lips.

"Not like that, Gino." He corrected, but humor quickly drained away from his face. "We are having some problems." And he continued to play with his food, cutlery clink clanking as Gino and Kallen patiently waited and hoped for Suzaku to elaborate.

After a few minutes of silence when they gave up waiting for him and opted for continuing their meals, Suzaku spoke yet again.

"We... had a big argument and now the house seems like a hell hole for the both of us..." Suzaku swallowed finding it difficult to talk about this even though these two were like a brother and sister to him that he never had.

Kallen's eyes widened in disbelief. "Kidding, right?" She murmured. Suzaku shook his head. It was unbelievable for them to imagine a cross Suzaku and Lelouch, let alone picturing them whilst arguing. They had been such a fine couple for nearly six years that Lelouch being the cause of Suzaku's recent lack of attention and repeating mistakes was unthinkable for them.

Gino's sobered up face showed his concern for his friends. "You must reconcile somehow, Suzaku... Maybe you could take a leave for a week to make things up..."

"Yeah..." Kallen agreed with worry, "If you want I can talk to him as I used to do in the college..."

Suzaku sighed. "I believe that we can solve this between us, Kallen... And your interference might anger him more." He said, remembering that there was no way for anyone to reach Lelouch by any means. He didn't want anybody to pester him which could expose the fact that he was practically locking Lelouch up in his own house.

"And the problem is with Lelouch, not with me, so I will somehow show him what he is doing to us..."

The air of certainty that the words carried made Gino and Kallen frown inwardly, but they didn't pay any attention to it.

"So what are we going to do about Bismarck?" Asked Kallen to change the unpleasant topic with another unpleasant but less personal one.

"I will shoulder the blame for the incident, Kallen, please don't worry yourself about it."

Kallen simply slammed her water glass, apparently offended by his words, her deep blue eyes ablaze.

"I am not worrying to save my own ass here, Suzaku!" She declared harshly, causing the patrons around them glance at their way for a few seconds. Gino covered his face, chuckling.

"Man, you could be such an idiot sometimes, making a fine lady shout things about her curvy body parts in public."

Suzaku would very much like to laugh at Gino's antics, but he was severely aware of the situation he dug himself in.

"Gino!" After another well aimed jab of her elbow into Gino's ribs, she huffed and continued.

"That man wants your head on a plate since the day people started talking about electing you as the new manager... I am worried about the outcomes in your name..."

Gino stopped eating. "Being perfect has some costs, Suzaku; such as leaving no tolerance for small mistakes."

"I am far from being perfect, Gino." Suzaku tried to take a few bites.

"Hah! If you say so, then it is no wonder that Bismarck treats me like crap. We people aren't superhuman, I get that; but at least don't forget to give yourself some credit."

"So you really think that I am royally screwed..." Suzaku commented without humor.

"Well, people will think that it is unforgivable for someone with your reputation. Suzaku, you see that, don't you? You created such a strong image around yourself that upon your smallest mistake the sharks are ready to take a bite from you. Bismarck can be tolerant this once if you tell him about the reason you told us; yet there are vultures like Luciano who are waiting for an opening to hamper your chance to become the next manager of the firm."

Kallen agreed. "He bares his teeth every time he sees one of us around since we are a team. That bastard would be overjoyed if we lose our credibility and reputation as the top lawyers of the firm."

Suzaku massaged his temples. He was aware of that, aware that he was swimming in muddy waters recently. It was adding to his agitation to deal with the rivalry within the firm when he was having such a big crisis with Lelouch at home. Yet, there was nothing he could to about it, other than being extra careful about his work to save both his and his friends' names from undesired rumors.

They finished their by now tasteless meals and left for the firm to gather their documents for the afternoon hearings of some other cases that they individually followed. Suzaku tried to keep his gaze away from the clock and his hands away from his cell phone to give his best for the rest of the day. He never knew that concentration was an art in its own right.

The hearing lasted for about two hours since the case was a complicated one issued against the state by a group of civil servants. Yet he managed to somehow impress the judge and the surveyors, which left no chance for losing the case after the hearing ended on his favor.

He didn't wait for Kallen and Gino, and simply drove away in his own car to the firm. He had been working for the same firm since he graduated from the law school and slowly but surely built himself a name of a lawyer who boasted with never losing a case. His close friends became his team, together they attended many cases and helped each other with individual ones for nearly three years. Their firm was the biggest one of the city and hence the most successful one. Yet, for three months, there had been a clear rivalry going on withing the sections.

Suzaku, Kallen and Gino were criticized for taking on cases only when they believed that their client was the real abused party. Bismarck tolerated this since they came clean and victorious each and every time, causing their firm's name appear on the news and papers with glory. But there were some people like Luciano who had the reputation of being the nightmare of the prosecutors with his ability to clear his clients' names even when they were guilty of the charges issued against them. Suzaku was sick of his methodology, but he was aware that Luciano and his followers were widely applauded by some political and industrial giants. Suzaku very much knew that if their tails were caught by one of them, they were as good as dead.

Stress was eating him inside out. As he sat in his office to work on a few interrogation accounts the thought of calling it a day and going home crossed his mind. Yet, for what reason he would go? All week Lelouch avoided him like the plague. He was focusing his attention solely on the kids and his work. Suzaku knew that by now he had to have completed at least the two of the projects he had been doing. His eyes narrowed down in distaste. Those would be the last ones that Lelouch would do. Not because Suzaku was looking down on his job, but because it separated Lelouch's attention from him.

He vividly remembered the times when he was following Lelouch's every move before they even had started dating. Suzaku could easily confess that Lelouch's imagination and creations had been fascinating him. The way his elegant fingers quickly made sketches on pieces of papers as he would tell him about his new assignments would captivate him. His spirit was like quicksand, so easy to flow among so many ideas, so many thoughts. Listening to him was like a tiring but pleasant journey. To catch his attention, to make him understand his love and attraction to him, Suzaku spent so much energy that when he first kissed him and saw his blushing face and shifting eyes, he knew that every second of the trouble he went through was worth it... And the way he had to battle his father for Lelouch...

Suzaku knew that he had captured a butterfly and put it in a glass jar. He had caught the quicksand with his own fingers against so many odds, that the idea of losing Lelouch was like death to him. He had been the one who ran after Lelouch and coaxed him into a relationship that resulted in their marriage. Lelouch simply hadn't done anything to be together with him. It was as if Lelouch had left himself to the current of events and Suzaku presented him with the best option among others. Or maybe, Lelouch had just given up his walls in the face of Suzaku's insistent behavior as he courted him. Suzaku had faced the world which stood between him and Lelouch and he had battled it to have him by his side. And Lelouch was somehow just a passive observer when he stood against his despot father and even against Lelouch's family who were no better than his own.

Lack of a mother figure in his upbringing had made Suzaku build a harder shell against the world than that of Lelouch's. He seemed pleasant and easy going at first glance, but he always had to work his bones to dust for something he desired. He recalled how his father had hit him when he had said that he wanted to marry a _guy_. Being a high ranking general, his father simply made every day a living hell for Suzaku, though he would never accept it. Kururugi Genbu would just boast of being a wonderful father who had provided his only child with the best means and education a single parented family could afford.

He would claim that Suzaku's present success was his own miracle and his son was just an ungrateful brat who rebelled him for another man's sake... Genbu was still in denial of Suzaku's marriage and all he cared was his grandchildren Rurushu and Suzuko. His abrupt marriage after Suzaku's rebel was another wound on Suzaku's sweet side. Though his step mother was such a gentle and caring person towards both him and his children, he was still furious about the whole ordeal. Wouldn't it be good if he had her when he was still a child? Then again, wouldn't it be better if his mother were still alive to hold his hand as he stumbled through a seemingly lucky but in fact a nightmarish boyhood?

He regarded Lelouch as his home, his sanctuary. But day after day, he proved himself to be just a passer-by in his life as if somebody who was forced to be there. Suzaku thought that Lelouch never loved and saw him as the way he loved and saw Lelouch. He knew that he was loved, but not in the way Suzaku desired. As time went by he developed a compulsive jealousy when he saw that Lelouch had another life which could exist with or without Suzaku's presence. So unlike the way Suzaku saw their relationship. His life and existence were built around Lelouch, in fact, he came to know life when he met him. Lelouch was his air he breathed, his heart that he held on, his ambrosia that he lived on. How the things turned this way, Suzaku had no idea, but somehow Lelouch became his life line that he desperately needed by his side.

There was no way anyone could understand how lonely he started to feel even sitting beside him in their home. There was no way to explain his gnawing desire to keep him only to himself, just like clutching that glass jar with the precious butterfly in it against his chest so tightly. Yet somehow he understood along the way that all he could do was loving it behind the glass he put it in, afraid of setting it free in case it flew away to never come back. How couldn't Lelouch understand that Suzaku was the real prisoner in their relationship...

Time was ticking by into evening. He itched to call him from the phone he bought him a few days ago. Anyone who had the number could call Lelouch but he could only call Suzaku. It was a pain to make the salespeople understand what he wanted when he purchased it. He told them that it was for a child to use it in emergency. Such a bad lie, he was aware. Yet, he was so paranoid that something might happen to Lelouch or the kids when he was away, that he couldn't help it.

No matter how many times he glanced at the clock, deep down inside he knew that he neither had the courage to call him or go home to him. There would be nothing on the end of the line other than stuttering half hearted words, and there was nothing but an empty bed waiting for him in their house. Yet, he believed he could pull through this, too... All he needed was some time. Perhaps he could really send the kids away with his father and step mother.

A few days ago she had called him to inform him that they were planning to go to the ocean for a week and wanted the kids to come with them, too. She happily had told him that he and Lelouch could use the time for themselves, spending a couple of days peacefully. And Genbu had been complaining about how rarely he saw his grandchildren. Before ending her call, she told him that they would be waiting for his answer till this Sunday. Maybe this could be a good idea.

As his fingers shuffled between the documents, his cell rang. The ID told him that the caller was Lelouch's half brother, Rolo. He picked it up begrudgingly.

"Suzaku-san?" Came his strained voice.

"Hi, Rolo..."

"Oh, glad that at least I could reach you..." Suzaku frowned, realizing how Rolo's voice immediately relaxed.

"I have been calling Nii-san from home and his cell but couldn't reach him. Is everything alright?"

"Ah... we have a problem with the internal phone lines of the house, Rolo." Suzaku lied. "And Lelouch lost his cell a few days ago in the park. Nothing to worry about."

Rolo sighed buying Suzaku's lie.

"But I can tell it to him if you want to leave a message for Lelouch." He offered.

"Umm... Actually I was wondering if Nunally and I could come over sometime at the weekend to pay a visit? The projects nearly reached their dead lines, so I have a few things to discuss with Nii-san."

"Of course." Suzaku agreed, keeping the distaste he felt from his voice. "Is tomorrow at dinner time suitable?"

"Oh, yes!" Rolo's voice carried a heart-felt joy that reminded Suzaku of how Rolo loved and adored his precious Nii-san.

"Thanks Suzaku-san." _Oh, always the polite boy he is..._ Suzaku though as he bid goodbye and hung up. There... He had a new problem. Could he trust Lelouch to play along his game? He didn't think so. Nunally and Rolo were of family and knew Lelouch so well... He had to think of a way to make Lelouch cooperate and stay put. _Such a bother... _But it was needed to keep their flawless image as a family, so he was willing to play the brute there.

He glanced at his computer screen and saw a new mail. It was from Bismarck as expected. He demanded a private meeting in ten minutes. Sighing heavily, Suzaku got up from his chair and collected a few documents and folders in his suitcase, and closed his office. He strode to the elevator for Bismarck's office, people glancing at his way and sharing murmurs that he ignored.

So, the last work day of the week seemed to be bent on leaving him with a permanent headache.

_TBC..._

**EN: **So we have the Knights of Rounds as lawyers, Genbu as a militant of a father, Suzaku as a poor mistreated young man who is still a scared boy inside... Oh, the drama.

**And just for the record:** Kallen and Suzaku met at the college and they were one year's senior of Gino. Suzaku and Lelouch met when they were still college students. They got married in their last year. They have been married for four years. So this makes them around what, 25 (?), considering that Lulu, Suzu, and Kallen are at the same age. Gino is one year younger. Rolo is two years and Nunally is three years younger and in her last year at the college.

-


	5. Chapter 5

**Same disclaimers apply.**

**AN:** _Sorry for the long wait, I was distracted. This chapter is for all my wonderful reviewers who keep me happy every time I see their messages in my mail box. Hope you enjoy and tell me what you think._

_-_

**Chapter 5**

Suzaku's eyes were downcast when he returned home. He was sorely aware of the lack of a warm welcome, a soft embrace and a quick stolen kiss. They were gone now. Up until this moment in his life, Suzaku realized that, he never understood what it meant to open the door to a cold house, which no longer could be called as home now... at least for him. To have somebody opening that door to his sanctuary had been an invaluable treasure for him which he came to feel the loss of it when it was already too late.

Sure, the kids were still there. Their happy voices, small laughters, adorable hugs and warm eyes still waited for him here; but they were not enough. He wondered what kind of a parent he was for finding the soothing company of his own children insufficient. He knew it was unfair of him to feel this way, both to himself and to the kids, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't help suffocating in the torturous pain of being unable to touch Lelouch, caress his pale face, hear his melodic voice calling his name. He was afraid, afraid of scaring him away more, afraid of being deprived of even the small relief of seeing his face. He was angry, both with himself and with Lelouch. His own qualms about hurting and pushing Lelouch away angered him. Lelouch was the one who had pushed him away; his every attempt of reconciliation, every attempt of touching and talking... Why did he have to feel this much powerless and guilty before him? It made him feel like everything up until this point was his mistake. He didn't like this guilty conscience that slowly twined at the back of his mind and in his heart.

_What should I do? What does he expect me to do?_

This thought was a constant echo in his mind all throughout the week, never leaving him, never offering an answer... It was making him sick. Thinking about it, seeing how far away Lelouch had drifted apart from him within the span of a mere week was sickening him... He felt just like a child who was left alone in a room full of unseen monsters. Uncertainty of their situation, of their future was killing him slowly inside. He wondered how long could he take this before he broke apart. Couldn't Lelouch see how much he was suffering? Couldn't he just brush away the pain with a smile of his lips or a touch of his hand? How did his sanity and happiness come to depend this much on a gesture of Lelouch's hands, a look of his eyes, and a word from his lips?

He didn't know. He didn't want to know, for it was too late for it.

As he busied himself in the kitchen, drying away the dishes of yet another tasteless, wordless, and smile-less meal, Suzaku was chewing on his lips in troubled concentration. His hands were trembling slightly. He was debating with himself whether or not to do what he was planning to do. Would it hurt Lelouch more? Would it make him hate him more? But he was just going to bluff, hoping Lelouch would buy it. He actually wasn't serious of what he was planning to say to Lelouch tonight. Tonight... Should he tell him tonight? If not, then it could be too late, then maybe Lelouch could blurt out to Nunally and Rolo that Suzaku was keeping him locked here, even tell them that he had touched him against his consent... The thought was making him delirious with fear and anger.

He didn't mean it to turn out to be like that. Hell, he had been so furious that, yes, he actually wanted to hurt Lelouch that night, wanted to watch him cry, wanted to make him taste a bite from the bitter desperation that he had been feeding himself with for the last couple of years. But... He didn't mean to break him like this. He just wanted Lelouch to see that he was his. In fact, he just wanted to _assure himself_ that Lelouch was his...

Why had he been so naive? Was there really no way for them to salvage all the damage caused? He wondered, if Lelouch had any longer cared enough to try. This couldn't be happening... If Lelouch weren't up to the task, he was ready and willing to do whatever it took to keep him here, by his side.

Suzaku was past from the point of realizing that he was dangering their already fragile relationship with the methods he thought as best to salvage that very same relationship. The irony was a tragic one, for sure.

Lelouch's and Rurushu's voices came by and went pass the hall as they exited the bathroom on the first floor to go up to the kids' room. Tonight was the bath time for the children and Lelouch was busying himself with the task to avoid being alone with Suzaku. Suzaku was aware of it, too.

Other times in old days, Suzaku was starting to hate thinking this way of the past as if it were long gone to never come back, they would bathe the kids together. Lelouch would get tired easily and Suzaku loved to play with Rurushu in the water, so he would always help out Lelouch, loving to put an end to the week with such a relaxing activity. Savoring the sheer satisfaction of being together and having fun before sleep would lift all the troubles from Suzaku's shoulders. They would lay the kids to sleep after drying them, tickling them to tears, kissing their innocent eyes closed and watch them drift off into dreams. Then, as if by an unspoken mutual agreement, they would find themselves in the bathroom, washing and massaging each other with careful touches which would often result in slow sensual love making in the hot, bubbly water among lavender aromas.

Lavender was Lelouch's favorite. It was hard to use the master bathroom after Lelouch. Feeling surrounded by that gentle scent would do nothing but agitate Suzaku. His imagination would wander, making him close his eyes against the flowing water, the smell cascading his senses with nothing but the absence of its owner. It was frustrating to try to will away his arousal with cold water, because each time, though he got painfully aroused, he could never bring himself to touch his own hardness. It was meaningless, the pleasure seemed empty and meaningless unless it was bestowed by Lelouch's body and hands.

Hopeless... He was.

He dried his hands and left the kitchen in a sullen mood. He went upstairs to find Lelouch. They needed to talk, or as Lelouch often said discreetly, he needed to rant and wanted Lelouch to listen, preferably somewhere far from the kids' room since Suzaku could tell that the news would most probably earn him some yelling and violent reaction.

The hall was empty and the children's room was silent, too. Suzaku slowly opened the door to peek inside and saw that under the soft, dim illumination, Rurushu and Suzuko was laying on Rurushu's bed. The boy's back was to the door, so Suzaku assumed them asleep and slowly shut the door.

It was nearly 10 o'clock. If he wanted to finish this tedious business tonight, he had to find Lelouch. After searching around for him in the living area and the guest rooms, he went for the master bathroom.

He stood in front of the white door where the faint noise of the flowing water could be heard. So Lelouch was in there. Suzaku's hand automatically went for the door knob but he caught himself. The sudden disturbing feeling of breaching someone's privacy startled him at first. Damn, he was just about to enter a room where his beloved might be naked. Why did he have to feel guilty about it? It used to have been so natural for them to walk around naked when in each other's company. Hell, they knew each other's body as if it were their own, so what was there to feel awkward or hesitant about?

Suzaku sighed heavily. He knew very well that things were different for them now. He contemplated postponing this confrontation with him until tomorrow morning, but what he was about to say was not something to be digested and accepted over a few hours before Saturday's dinner time. He didn't want the kids to see Lelouch crying and throwing a fit, especially not before Rurushu who was somehow aware of the thick atmosphere surrounding his Kaa-chan and Tou-san.

And he _wanted_ to see Lelouch. In this moment when Lelouch might feel most secure yet vulnerable, when he dropped his walls guarding him. He wanted to talk to him, be near him in this pale shadow of their past time Friday night habit, and maybe touch him.

Yet a sudden thought struck him. What if the door was locked? A foreign fear gripped his heart hurtfully. That would mean... Lelouch's world was locked away from him, his warmth, his trust, the peace and affection that he would bring were locked away from him. But, if it was not the case, if the door was not locked, then did that mean that Suzaku was betraying that trust and that sliver of hope which would rekindle to life whatever was lost between them?...

His head hurt. The stinging feeling in his chest was too much that he twisted the door knob without putting much thought into what he was doing. And to his pleased surprise the door was not locked.

Yet when he came face to face with Lelouch's bewildered look, he had to compose himself into that stony face of his to hide how the possibility of breeching an invisible line between trust and betrayal shook his determination.

Lelouch looked at him in wide eyed incomprehension and surprise which quickly turned into fear and embarrassment. The absurdity of the situation slightly registered in his mind. It would be funny to see Suzaku in the bathroom still clad in his dress shirt and trousers with that serious look on his face in the past, but nothing was like it was used to be anymore.

"What do you want?" Lelouch asked the first thing that came to his mind. He felt suddenly self conscious about his nudity and sat on the edge of the in-built jacuzzi that was currently being filled with hot water.

Suzaku sighed inwardly, refusing to turn back. He closed the door and advanced several steps into the spacious room, carefully keeping his eyes off of Lelouch's nakedness and forcing himself to look at him in the eye to prevent further fear and embarrassment on Lelouch's part.

"I wanted to talk to you on something." He said nonchalantly.

Lelouch felt flustered on this whimsical blind excuse.

"Couldn't it wait until I finish this?" He asked, unconsciously drawing into himself, his cheeks coloring with a faint hint of pinkness, heart picking up speed.

"It can't. You will just lock yourself into some guest room, avoiding me. And no, it can't wait for tomorrow, either. It would be too late."

Lelouch frowned. Despite his initial discomfort and fear, he couldn't help but wonder what was so important for him to hear that tomorrow would be too late to learn.

"Say it, and then leave me alone." He bit, eyes narrowed, body stiff as if he was waiting for the worst case scenario.

Suzaku's eyes were hinted with a gleam of anger, too, upon Lelouch's not so kindly issued order. _Leave, huh?_ He wasn't so sure of it anymore. His eyes averted to the many mirrors surrounding the inner walls of the room. They were shimmering behind a rising mist from the jacuzzi that occupied the center of the room. The bath tube was a large one which was suited below the floor's surface, guarded with high resting areas on which Lelouch was now seated. Two shower stalls occupied the far corners of the room. It was like a bath house and Lelouch's design. This room held so many memories within its walls that it was too much for Suzaku's senses to bare standing so close yet away from Lelouch.

"Heard me?" Lelouch asked, he was considering getting up and going for one of the towels near the jacuzzi, but he didn't want to walk around like this in front of Suzaku. The situation was both extremely uncomfortable and cruelly arousing. He ground his teeth, cursing himself for feeling like this.

"Ah, I heard you." Suzaku's gaze found him again. He slowly stalked towards the cabinet that kept all the wash clothes, shower gels and other trivialities of a bathroom. Taking out a few items, he walked back to where Lelouch was and casually sat beside him.

He was ready for Lelouch's reaction when he tried to jump away from him with a loud "Stay away!", arms flailing to put a distance between them. So, he just grabbed those thin arms and made him sit again.

"Don't be so frightened, Lelouch, it hurts me." He murmured, his voice actually carrying that sentiment.

Lelouch found that his back was to Suzaku, one leg already in the jacuzzi, the other on the tiled side of the floor. He forced himself to stay put but he became so frantic with Suzaku's sudden advance that he couldn't help yelping in fear when a strong arm hugged him from behind.

"Just stay like this. I am not that of a monster to hurt you more..." Suzaku whispered near his ear. Lelouch felt delirious with fear for a few moments but when Suzaku didn't try to do anything, he too, tried to calm down and refrain from doing anything harsh. His heart was thundering in his throat, yet at the same time a familiar relaxed numbness was invading his body.

He opened his eyes that he didn't remember shutting and looked at the arm that was encircling his waist.

"Suzaku... Please say what you want and then leave..." He muttered when he trusted that his voice wouldn't tremble.

"I will..." Suzaku drew his arm back, but not without his finger tips caressing the smooth flesh there. The shiver that trembled the damp shoulders before him was enough to see. He sat behind Lelouch's hunched form, his legs on either side of him, not touching him. He turned off the water and dipped a soft wash cloth in it. He started to dampen the body before him as if he was in the middle of a religious ceremony.

Lelouch startled and shivered when he felt hot water cascading over his shoulders, yet he didn't have the courage to turn around and stop Suzaku. His wide eyes found themselves upon one of the mirrors that covered the walls. He watched with a childish fascination as Suzaku wrung the cloth dry over his shoulders, repeating the action many times.

Suddenly a melancholy feeling clutched at his heart. Suzaku would do this to him whenever he felt sad or depressed over something. It was as if Suzaku was _cleaning away_ his own sadness using Lelouch's body as a replacement of his own heart. Lelouch would understand it, yet he would never ask the reason, for Suzaku would always tell.

There seemed to be no other motive behind Suzaku's actions as he held his arms to the side, running the dripping cloth over them, silently and meticulously cleaning his body before a through wash. Lelouch felt an unbidden warmth and longing fill his heart and mind. Suzaku was not touching him unnecessarily, he seemed to be simply savoring the moment as he helped him get ready for a long soaking.

He watched Suzaku on the mirror. His green eyes seemed distant and withdrawn through the decreasing mist. His strong and larger frame was utterly trapping his own, yet it pose no threat now. When was the last time that he felt this peaceful? His heart was not hurting, yet heavily thudding in his chest for an utterly different reason. As large, tanned hands roamed towards his chest, his body tensed and their eyes met at the mirror. Suzaku just preferred to dampen the pale expand of the skin by wringing the water out of the cloth over his chest and pale legs that Lelouch kept crossed and close to his chest to hide himself from Suzaku's sight.

"You are getting wet, too." Lelouch murmured distractedly.

"It is alright." Suzaku mumbled back, trying to prolong what he was doing to prevent the upcoming conversation as long as possible. The momentarily peaceful atmosphere was soothing his senses, being this close to Lelouch, seeing him let him do this were all like a remedy to his wounds. He didn't want to break the spell. The way Lelouch ceded to his touches, though warily, made him see a flicker of hope to turn things back to normal. So, a question resided on the tip of his tongue, begging to be asked.

"What was it that you wanted to tell?" Lelouch asked.

Suzaku's hands continued to work, the only sounds were of the water and their breathing. He tried to be casual, he had to confirm this before he did what he planned.

"I miss our old ways."

Lelouch held his breath for a few heart beats. Then he sighed and slumped further, his eyes avoiding the mirrors.

"You are the one who changed everything, Suzaku. And now, you came here to say this?"

As if not having heard what Lelouch said, Suzaku continued, his head also bent forward over Lelouch's left shoulder.

"Is there any hope for us to continue like always?"

Lelouch's eyes narrowed down, but when he remembered his promise to himself that he would do anything to redeem their family from this predicament, he sighed.

"I... I am willing to not look back at the events of last Sunday..." He felt his body shiver involuntarily upon the memory his own words evoked. Yes, he couldn't erase the memory but at least could try to ignore it. "But don't expect me to forget it, I can't now... Maybe as time goes by..." _Maybe if you can make better memories for me to erase its pain... _

"I can't ask for it." Suzaku conceded. His arms were begging him to embrace Lelouch's lithe body, but he denied them.

"Will you love me back...again?" There was such a lost tone in that small question of Suzaku's that Lelouch couldn't help searching for his eyes on their reflection on the tinted glass. But Suzaku was not looking at him. He seemed still and his eyes were on the floor tiles.

"I already love you, Suzaku." Lelouch swallowed harshly, feeling angry over how Suzaku still insisted on questioning this subject.

"How can you still be doubtful about this? Do you think you could be so casually sitting here, doing what you are now doing, even after your last touch hurt me like nothing did?" His tone was furious and cold, far from making his claims soothing for Suzaku's heart. So Suzaku didn't even look at his reflection to conform that if his eyes held any warmth.

"If you really want to turn back, then let me out, unlock the doors, unlock this cage you put me in." Lelouch tried to turn towards to Suzaku, but upon his last words Suzaku grabbed his arms, keeping him from moving.

"Why can't I believe anything that pass from your lips, Lelouch?" He asked, finally meeting his violet gaze on the mirror. Lelouch's eyes widened as he was slowly pulled back into Suzaku's lean frame, his wet skin meeting with Suzaku's dry shirt. The one-sided embrace was not harsh, but being immobilized like this made Lelouch's fears awaken again.

"Don't fret. I won't do anything, Lelouch."

"How can I trust you? You want everything back to the normal, but your mind is still stuck at that night! How can you expect me to be the old Lelouch while you act like someone else?"

Suzaku considered, gazing into Lelouch's eyes, feeling his body shake with rage and maybe fear in his arms. Was he being selfish? He wanted Lelouch's trust back, but he refused to return the sentiment. Was this fair? It wasn't. He knew it, but his mind always told him that Lelouch would run away, would turn cold towards him, would just slip away from his fingers if he let go of the reins. This was the fear of his life and he didn't want to take any risks.

"Listen to me, Lelouch. Rolo called me today."

Upon hearing his half brother's name, Lelouch ceased struggling. A sudden, welcome flicker of hope spreading in his body like wild fire.

"What for?" He asked, trying to hide his hope.

"Tomorrow night he and Nunally will visit us for the dinner. I think he wants to see the projects you have been doing."

His careful eyes regarded Lelouch's and saw the hope there.

"And I want you to act normal, never uttering a word about our current problem."

Lelouch's heart beat picked up. This was such a nice chance to break this prison's walls. His mind enthusiastically provided many ways to somehow trick Suzaku to let him leave with his siblings, taking his children with him. Each and every possibility seemed plausible if Suzaku really didn't want anyone to hear about what he had been doing to him.

Yet, then again, leaving him like this wouldn't be a good idea in the long run. So, should he just tell his siblings about his ailment? He had considered this many times and even prepared his words were by any chance someone came to visit him. Thoughts were flashing in his mind, eyes unseeing for a few moments as he considered.

Suzaku was aware of what Lelouch was weighting and measuring in his mind. Lelouch wanted to escape, yes... He had been looking for this opportunity, now he was considering his options to leave him behind, to shame him in front of others, wasn't he? Unbidden anger and despair gnawed at his insides. He was a fool, he was really a fool to think that Lelouch would cede to his request.

He buried his face into Lelouch's dark locks and breathed in his scent. He would never give up on this. He could never give up on the warmth that slowly seeped into his bones from this naked body in his arms. His hands splayed over Lelouch's chest and waist, tightening their grip as he slowly savored the texture of the damp skin under his palms and fingers.

"What are you thinking, Lelouch?" His question and his hands startled Lelouch from his thoughts. He gasped involuntarily when he felt Suzaku's lips on his nape.

"You are thinking about how to turn this innocent meeting into an opportunity to escape from me, no?"

Lelouch started to struggle to get away, surprised that Suzaku could read his mind like an open book.

"Stop this! As long as you are like this, nothing will change!" He grabbed the arms trapping him, slick body twisting and curling within their hold.

"Yes, I could say the same for you." Suzaku looked at him in the reflection. One of his hands went for a pinkish nipple. As he twisted and massaged it with his fingers, eyes locked with Lelouch's, he broke the silent peace between them and he reveled in seeing the realization of their situation dawn in those wide eyes.

"I see that you won't cooperate..." Suzaku murmured against his shoulder. "You left me no choice, Lelouch. Yet, I am willing to carry the blame."

"Stop! Go away..." Lelouch closed his eyes, teeth grinding harshly. How was this possible? Just a moment ago, he was willingly resting against this man, yet now, his chest started to hurt with fear and constrict with emotions he realized as arousal. Suzaku's hands were playing upon his nakedness, sliding easily and sensually on his wet skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

"I don't want this!" He gasped, painfully aware of every finger tip, every hot breath that brushed his nape and neck. He was afraid of opening his eyes. His legs tried to draw in more securely, suddenly feeling himself extremely hot and unable to breathe.

Suzaku didn't heed his words. The way he writhed in his arms, the way he felt against his body were so intoxicating that he didn't want to stop. Deep down inside he knew how much he wanted to feel Lelouch near him like this. His hand slowly traveled down between Lelouch's tightly closed legs, hearing him whimper and gasp, watching him open his eyes in alarm as he grasped his half hard erection within his fingers.

"No! No... Suzaku, stop!" Lelouch was screaming, legs trashing on the wet tiles. Suzaku slowly stroked him, all the while watching his face, his body from the mirrors. Lelouch's nails were scraping him, his shoulders shaking with the effort. He didn't mind. His lips slowly glided on the defenseless neck before him, lapping and tasting every inch of it, observing the fading marks he had left before.

"I have a deal, Lelouch." Suzaku murmured, thumb sliding over the sensitive tip of the flesh he was tormenting, the other hand playing with his hard nipples.

"My parents want to take Rurushu and Suzuko for a one week holiday."

The name of their kids further alerted and agitated Lelouch, heart close to fly away from his chest. Everywhere, everything seemed to be aflame as he sobbed and whimpered, strength slowly abandoning him against Suzaku's relentless hold.

"Say, what if they never come back, if you blurt out everything to your siblings or try to trick me into letting you go..."

The threat registered in Lelouch's hazy mind like a ton of bricks. He drew in a shaky breath, bewildered and frightened beyond reason.

"No!" He trashed more vigorously. "No! You can't..."

Suzaku cringed despite himself, but he continued. "If you provoke me, I will..." He stated firmly, hating himself for what he was bluffing about. Their children... Their life that they built everything around. This was the cruelest thing to threaten Lelouch with, yet he didn't see any other way. Even bluffing about it made him sick in the stomach, but he had to be the tyrant here to keep Lelouch with him, unaware of what he was doing might burn all the bridges.

Lelouch started to cry, biting his lower lip, suddenly feeling empty and hopeless. He gave up struggling all together, head bowed, arms on his either side.

"This is madness..." He whimpered as Suzaku continued to pleasure him. He hated his body for yielding thus to Suzaku's touch. "You have lost your mind..." Hot tears landed on Suzaku's arms and he felt his own eyes tearing.

"Don't do this to me... I... I will do anything..." Oh, how he hated himself and Suzaku at this moment. Shame and fear twisting in his soul mercilessly as he accepted his fate.

"Do anything, but not this to me..." His voice shook as bitter pleasure built in his stomach. His back slumped against Suzaku's chest though how much his mind protested it. He gave up.

Suzaku cradled him like a child as Lelouch rested his hurting head against his chest, face turned to the side. He watched the tears travel down those delicate features veiled by the long black locks. Lips trembling in surrender... The desire was too much to rein, so Suzaku leaned in, capturing those lips with his in a not so comfortable position.

Lelouch flinched but didn't turn his head away, letting Suzaku lap on them, nip at them in a cruelly loving way. His mind was reeling.

"Please..." He whispered, eyes half lidded, senses overloaded with everything that was Suzaku.

"I will do... as you say..." How much lower he could fall before this man?

Suzaku embraced him closer, feeling Lelouch's pain in his chest. He doubled his efforts to make Lelouch forget the pain for at least a few minutes and despite himself Lelouch put his arms over Suzaku's in search for a warmth, though he believed he was lost in this merciless man's insanity.

Silence shrouded them, as Lelouch kissed him back, biting Suzaku's lower lip to the point of breaking the skin. He was still sobbing when he felt Suzaku's blood on his tongue, the hurt he inflicted mulling his own pain a bit. His body stiffened with the empty pleasure as he hit the peak, his release covering Suzaku's hand and his abdomen, gasping against the lips that devoured his own deliriously. He felt two hot drops on his skin, understanding that Suzaku was crying, too. But for what reason, he didn't comprehend and couldn't care to know.

They sat like that for a few minutes, Lelouch's head slumped forward again, a deep hatred swirling in his soul. Their labored breathing was the only sound.

"You make me hate you, Suzaku." He whispered, shoulders starting to shake again with upcoming tears, feeling Suzaku's forehead pressed against his shoulder blade.

Suzaku sobbed, too, never registering his own painful arousal.

"And you make me cruel, Lelouch." He confessed back.

-

"Your eyes are so beautiful, Suzu-chan..."

On his small bed, Rurushu was laying on his left side, body curved protectively around his baby sister's. When Lelouch left them they were still awake, and Rurushu found himself unable to sleep even after his Tou-san checked on them. He knew he kept his little sister awake, too, but he couldn't help it. His small fingers were treading along Suzuko's soft black locks that started to get longer and tamer as the little girl slowly grew up.

"Just like Kaa-chan's..." He whispered sleepily, loving the way how the short tresses glided between his fingers. His eyes held adoration and love as he looked at his sister's gentle features that resembled so much to their dear mother's.

The baby girl was squealing cutely every time her big brother touched her neck or ear, eyes full of shine and happiness. She was reaching for his hands, trying to grab them with her little ones, enjoying her futile attempts.

"Ne, Suzu-chan... When will you start to talk?" Rurushu asked, counting his sister's fingers. "It feels so lonely... I talk, you listen... I bet you understand what I say but..." He trailed off, a tired sigh leaving his lips. The baby giggled as if finding his predicament funny.

"It is so lonely, Suzuko." He kissed the fingers and shifted closer to his sister's warm body. The girl stopped squirming and making faces at her brother. Rurushu's face saddened.

"Kaa-chan seems so ill... He rarely speaks, you know... And he no longer smiles." Rurushu bit his lip, looking at Suzuko's violet eyes, as if searching for a reason there. "Tou-san seems so tired and unhappy, too... Seeing them like this..." He stopped again, feeling a lump anchored in his throat. His heart was beating painfully in his chest and he didn't understand the reason. He didn't understand what turned out to be so wrong with his parents all of a sudden. They weren't talking, weren't smiling, weren't touching each other.

"It is sad... So sad, Suzuko." He finished, a small shiver shaking his body. The baby girl pursed her pink lips when she saw brilliant tear drops in his eyes. She reached for them and Rurushu closed his eyes, tears escaping from their green depths. She made a sad sound in her throat and wounded one hand in his chestnut locks, pulling them softly but insistently.

Rurushu opened his eyes, seeing her on the verge of crying face, he smiled, his hand closing around hers assuringly.

"Don't worry, Suzu-chan..." He murmured, voice a little choked.

_Big brothers shouldn't cry in front of their sisters..._

"I will be fine... We will be fine." And his eyes narrowed down a little, a determined look spreading across his tear stained face.

"I won't be like Tou-san... I will never be cross with you. I will always be by your side and protect you..." He swallowed bitterly even though he still smiled for her. He wrapped his weak arms around her chubby form and rested his chin on her head after placing a soft kiss on her forehead.

"It is just that... I wish you could talk already... So that I could hear your voice. So that we could do something for them... To make them smile again."

He closed his tired eyes against the night, feeling her grip tighten in his nightshirt and then slowly go lax as Suzuko fell asleep in her brother's arms.

Relaxing against the warmness of her, he whispered brokenly to no one.

"It is just so lonely like this..."

-

_TBC..._


	6. Chapter 6

_**AN: **I apologize for the long wait, dear readers. But work and real life sucked all of my energy and nearly killed my will to continue this story. My muse is comatose and I am praying by her side for her revival. XD This chapter is the last one before the major breaking point of the story. So, the next chapter will be the stage of two really important breaking points. Until the next chapter please enjoy this. _

_And I thank all of my readers and reviewers who make this fic possible with their continuing support even though I feel it doesn't deserve it. _

_No warnings for this chapter. Sorry, no lime-y situations. I guess you don't like them since no one comments about them :D_

_Same disclaimers apply._

**Chapter 6**

"Uncle Rolo!" Rurushu leaped up into the arms of the young man he hadn't seen for a few weeks. His heart thudded with joy as he chuckled and gave a big hug to his uncle. Rolo securely held him and tickled his sides, Nunally entering behind him to the household.

Nunally threw herself into Lelouch's arms just like the kid she was ten years ago. She kissed his each cheek savoring the warm embrace of her big brother. Yet as her arms and hands caressed his sides whilst she was still embracing her Onii-sama, her brows furrowed in realization. She leaned back and and her hands stilled on his ribs.

Though Lelouch understood the reason why his sister suddenly went stiff, he tried to smile assuringly.

"Onii-sama, aren't you eating well?" She asked, concern worrying her deep blue eyes.

"Ah, I was a little bit caught up with the projects to finish them in time. Nothing important, Nunally."

But Nunally didn't seem to be convinced.

"You look paler than usual." Her voice suddenly turned small. Lelouch leaned in and kissed her on the nose playfully, more than glad to see her and very determined to not let petty worries like these ruin his delight.

"I am alright, don't worry yourself." Nunally chose to believe the calm and deep voice of her brother as he let go of him to salute Suzaku.

Yet, it was Rolo's turn to be concerned. He gave his brother a half hug for he was still carrying Rurushu in his arms, but as soon as his hand met the all too clearly protruding spine and ribs of his older brother his mirth vanished.

"What is wrong Nii-san? Don't tell me that the projects were so hard to finish, you lost nearly half of yourself in two week's time."

Lelouch refrained from biting his lower lip, feeling the silent gazes of his son and brother on himself. His heart was beating painfully fast under Rurushu's small hand. Without breaking the embrace he leaned in to place a kiss on Rolo's head.

"To tell the truth, I didn't look after myself well during that time, Rolo." When he fell back, there was a small smile on his lips. "I promise to be better next time you see me." His internal voice added ruefully, _Who knows when we will meet again..._

"So it is a promise then." Rolo added seriously.

"Yeah." And Lelouch averted his eyes.

-

Suzaku felt emotionally dried up. He didn't know that it could be this hard to maintain a _everything-is-wonderful_ facade in front of their guests. Nunally and Rolo were just so happy to be with Lelouch that Suzaku felt jealous of their ignorance and guilty about it at the same time. To his credit, Lelouch acted perfectly like himself. Though he seemed downer than his usual aloof and pleasant self, Nunally and Rolo weren't much aware of it. Or so he thought.

They ate what Suzaku and Lelouch prepared during the day in silence as if they were complete strangers. He wondered, how the meal could taste so delicious even though he was sure that it was prepared with ill concealed hatred and silent regret.

"Suzaku-san, how is your work going?" Nunally asked over the deserts.

Suzaku blinked, realizing that he hadn't been participating the conversation for a long time. Despite his better judgment, he decided on telling the truth about it.

"Actually, I have been experiencing some problems, Nunally." He told over a bite.

Lelouch's head came up with surprise, this was news to him as well as to his siblings.

"What is wrong?" Rolo asked, his interested quickly caught from the baby Suzuko he had been feeding with the soft desert.

Suzaku faced their curious gazes.

"I am on the verge of losing a big case because of a mistake I made during it."

He could clearly see the way how Lelouch paled and then flushed suddenly. Nunally worried her bottom lip.

"But, lawyers sometimes lose and sometimes win, why does it prove to be a big trouble, Suzaku-san?"

"See Nunally, the case was against a well known industrial giant of the city issued by its workers. We had been gathering some evidence through legally questionable sources and I planned to use them as the base for my argument but I forgot the folder in the office."

Upon his last remark, both Nunally and Rolo made unbelieving sounds mixed with their astonishment.

"It is really stupid of me, isn't it? I guess I was not thinking at all while I was packing the folders for the case, but since the evidence were new, I must have mistaken the folders that contained them and brought another case's new folder."

He smiled ruefully upon his own stupidity and carelessness. Who could have believed that the perfect Kururugi Suzaku could make the mistake even a rookie in the business would not.

"I was able to get another hearing time, but I am sure the company's lawyers are now aware of my sources and devising their counter argument based on them."

An uncomfortable silence ensued among the occupants of the table. He really didn't feel like talking about his other mistakes at this point to make Lelouch understand how grim his situation at work was. His large violet eyes were already full of unwanted surprise and bitter realization that the cause of this mistake was probably the situation they endured at home. Looking by the way he laid his fork on the plate, it was easy to see that he had no appetite left for the desert he had made. And Suzaku realized that the pain he saw in those eyes pained him, too...

"But, I am sure Suzaku-san can pull it off, too... Right?" Nunally's hopeful voice dispelled the silence.

Suzaku nodded his head and smiled as he would do whenever he would try to assure Lelouch that it would be alright. And he knew that he desperately wanted Lelouch to believe him, suddenly feeling all the more guilty about sharing this piece of information with them. It seemed as if he was deliberately adding to Lelouch's troubles, but seeing that flicker of pain in that beautiful face of his -even though it was caused by his words- made wonders to Suzaku's heart. It meant that Lelouch cared, that Lelouch could see what he was capable of doing to him.

Nobody dared to ask the question that plagued their minds. _Would this jeopardize your reputation as a well-known and widely applauded lawyer?_ The probable answer was instinctively left to be discussed in private of the couple.

After the dinner and the coffee that followed, Rolo and Lelouch excused themselves to look at the final state of the projects in Lelouch's design room. Nunally came back into the living area having laid her baby niece to sleep to find Suzaku sitting silently on one of the sofas watching a film with Rurushu crawled over his lap playing with a puzzle cube that Rolo brought for him.

As soon as Nunally sat across them Rurushu hopped down and went to sit on his aunt's lap, legs and arms cradling her fragile form. She giggled and laid her hand on his head, fingers disappearing among his soft brown locks.

"Onii-sama looks calm about the news you told us, Suzaku-san." She said, regarding her brother in law with concern.

"Yeah, he already knew it." Suzaku lied, not wanting to talk about his predicament at work in the presence of Rurushu.

"But then again, he looks down and underweight like he never was before."

Suzaku sat upright and drew one of his legs to himself, resting his chin on his knee. He could understand the slight accusation that laid hidden under the polite remark even when Nunally herself wasn't aware of it. He hadn't had anyone who would pursuit the reason of his stress, unhealthiness, or sadness for him in any phase of his life. Surely a mother or a sibling would fill in the spot, but Suzaku lacked both. Yet, he couldn't help but feel a little bit bitter about how Lelouch had everything Suzaku too wanted in his life and yet denied him the soul filling feeling of being cared for enough to be asked how he felt about the things happening to him.

No luck...

"He has been over exerting himself on the projects, Nunally. And to tell the truth, I wasn't able to look after him well enough due to my own problems."

Nunally, nodding, understood that her inquiry might have been taken wrongly and insult Suzaku.

"Please forgive me if my worries came along as an accusation, Suzaku-san. I know how you love Onii-sama. So, please don't take offense."

"No, of course not. I seem to be defensive these couple of days when it comes to Lelouch and I. Maybe, it is my guilty conscience talking."

Nunally watched Suzaku's eyes lose focus as he gazed unseeingly across the room. Something seemed definitely wrong more than her brother's unhealthy looks and Suzaku's problems at work.

"You know Nunally... I sometimes feel left out. Seeing how you two care for him makes me also yearn for the same affections that would come from a sibling..."

Nunally felt a tug in her heart and Rurushu leaped onto his Tou-san, declaring that he would always love him and care for him no matter what happened.

Suzaku hugged him fiercely, suddenly his eyes tearing on the thought that he was using this unconditional love from his son against Lelouch, threatening him about never receiving this warmth he himself loved more than life itself. How much more cruel he would become?

"I understand." Nunally whispered sadly, mistaking the shiny tears that appeared in Suzaku's eyes as her doing. "Though it is not the same thing, you will always have Onii-sama's love, Suzaku-san. And I sincerely hope that it will be enough to make you forget about it."

Suzaku smiled, and hid his face a second later into Rurushu's neck to cover how rueful and hopeless his smile turned out to be.

_Yeah, I have got Lelouch's love... And I am killing it slowly._

_-_

"The last one needs a little bit tweaking. I will go over it in my office tomorrow." Rolo said, admiring the work of his brother.

Lelouch stood near his chair as the files were copied to Rolo's slave disk.

"They certainly are perfect but not worthy of dangering your health over them, Nii-san. You could have easily given them to me. In fact, if I knew that you would look like this after you finished them, I would have snagged them from you long before."

Lelouch smiled and ruffled Rolo's hair. "They are alright now. And I am fine, too. Please stop chewing my head off about it." Rolo chuckled.

"Does Suzaku-san not looking after you well?" He asked playfully. Lelouch's smile disappeared.

"He doesn't even have time to worry about himself as it seems." Lelouch answered evasively.

"It is not an excuse. I know he has troubles of his own, but it doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to take care of you and himself."

"Maybe we didn't pay close attention to each other and ourselves for the past few days... It is not completely his fault, Rolo. Actually now that I think about it, I am no better than him about this."

The regretful tone in Lelouch's voice caught Rolo off guard.

"I hate prying in others' lives but, Nii-san, you are my only brother and I can't help but wonder if everything is alright between the two of you." Rolo bit his lip as he anxiously waited for Lelouch's reply.

Lelouch sighed, aware that he wouldn't be able to assure his sibling when he had this much insight about the situation going on in the house.

"Well..." He murmured, "Every marriage encounters some problems now and then."

Rolo's gaze saddened upon the news.

"But I am sure Suzaku and I can sort it out, Rolo."

Rolo reached and took the hand on his shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze.

"I sincerely hope so, Nii-san."

_So do I, Rolo... So do I..._

-

After closing the front door and locking it behind Nunally and Rolo, Suzaku returned back to the living room. Lelouch was sitting on the carpeted floor, caressing the head of his son who was laying on his stomach, contently sleeping. Suzaku came near but not too much, hesitant of provoking Lelouch into escaping from him.

"I should carry him to his bed, he will catch a cold here." He murmured. Lelouch's gaze slid up to him, sadness shining in his eyes.

"You never told me about your work."

Suzaku held the violet gaze for a second and then averted his eyes.

"You certainly chose a perfect time to bring it up in front of my siblings."

Suzaku understood where the conversation was going but didn't make a come back to defend himself.

"Did you want me to feel remorseful by making me think that it was my fault?" Suzaku's spine stiffed. Suddenly feeling so tired, he too sat on the floor, leaning his back to the sofa Rurushu was sleeping on. His hand went to the kid's small hand that was dangling from the edge of the soft cushions.

Lelouch watched Suzaku play with the limp limb, how he caressed the smooth skin adoringly and held the tiny hand in his large tanned one. It was a sight that always made Lelouch's heart tremble, that spoke of unconditional selfless love, of trust, power and protectiveness. Realizing that very same hand would tear him from his son too was making his heart stop and hard to breathe.

"And here I thought that I made a mistake by even mentioning it after the pain that crossed your face." Suzaku whispered. "But I guess I am too naive to assume that the reason behind your pain was because you cared for me. Sorry for my arrogance." And he kissed the small fingers of the sleeping boy.

Lelouch's breath hitched but he covered it quickly. Seeing that he trusted Suzaku this little made him feel ashamed but what could he expect from him after threatening him like that? He feared the answer but couldn't help asking.

"How severe is the situation?"

Suzaku didn't meet his eyes.

"I might lose my job, Lelouch."

Lelouch felt dread filling him, his face paling quickly. _All because of this..._ His mind added without missing a beat; _all because of me..._

"Bismarch was against me about taking on this case. In fact, as we dug in deeper, we realized that a few political figures are involved in bribery and money laundry. It seems that he was contacted by one of them and when we pressed that we could come clean, he relented but told me that he was not responsible of the the consequences were I lose it. And bad news is that it seems I am going to lose it." Suzaku ran a hand through his own hair, leaning back again and throwing his head back on the cushions. His gaze blindly lingered on the small spot lights of the ceiling.

"It is all my fault. Never even in my rookie days I made a mistake like that. Probably my credibility will fall below zero as an undedicated, flippant and pompous lawyer who lost against a pack of hungry wolves. Luciano's side will be delighted after a week from now."

The way how Suzaku seemed to have already thrown in the towel as if a defeated man made Lelouch both angry and desperate deep inside. And Suzaku didn't even try to put the blame on him this time. Lelouch wanted badly to reach for him and embrace that troubled head into his chest and tell him it was OK, that it was not his fault, that the law firm and their little political games could go to hell.

But he sat there silently, biting on his lower lip, thinking that how in mere minutes their lives turned upside down.

"Rurushu needs you to be strong." He said after swallowing the lump in his throat. "Rurushu always wanted to see you strong, like the way you held his hand a few minutes ago, assuring him even in his sleep that you could pull through and be there for him." He didn't know if it was really Rurushu or himself he was talking about as he blinked rapidly to keep the forming tears at bay.

"And what does Lelouch want me to be, love?" Suzaku asked with a small voice, face a little bit turned towards his beloved, but not expecting any answer from him.

Lelouch held the defeated green gaze and found it hard to keep looking as his heart thudded wildly in his ribcage.

"Lelouch wants you to stop playing games with him and bring the kids back in five days... Suzaku."

Suzaku's eyes widened a fraction for a second upon hearing his name spoken this much softly. Something melted in his heart and he felt a little bit lighter all of a sudden. He nodded without tearing his eyes away from Lelouch's. He reached and held one of his hands, cradling it in his and brought pale yet graceful limb to his lips, kissing it almost reverently.

"As I promised, love."

-

Rurushu took the news about his upcoming short holiday in the closing season near the ocean as a good news. In fact, he seemed more than happy to go out to see somewhere different even though the beginning of the winter was near. The ocean was always warm in this late season and the rare chance to see his grandparents excited him. Genbu and his second wife were always so fond of him and his baby sister that he really couldn't understand why his father seemed to hate them.

The only sad thing about it all was he wouldn't have the chance to see his parents for five days. But Lelouch gave him a digital camera and wanted him to take pictures of everything so that when he returned he could tell his Kaa-chan stories about the places he visited and make him feel as if his Kaa-chan visited them, too.

Lelouch kissed and hugged him so fiercely that Rurushu thought he didn't want him to go. Suzuko squealed in her father's arms as Lelouch kissed and smelled her scent, too. He was on the verge of crying but didn't want the kids to see him like this, didn't want to let the tears convince him that he might not see them for a long time. Any other time, this little vacation offered by Suzaku's parents would seem to him like a breather, so he really shouldn't act like that, right? Thus, he chose to believe in Suzaku's promise. That he would see the lovely faces of his children in a few days' time.

But his heart... It felt heavy, laden with emotions he could no longer suppress.

Suzaku shut the door on him and the lock turned in its slot. The voices of his children edged away.

And Lelouch slowly slid on his knees with a bowed head, his hands against the heavy front door, shoulders shaking in silent tears.

-

As usual, the front door was answered by the maid of the Kururugi House. From the bottom of his heart Suzaku just wanted to get the hell out of the place, but he would never do so without ensuring that his kids were in safe hands.

His step mother came first to greet him and gave him a hug though he didn't even bother to return it.

"Always the same cold child, ne, Suzaku-kun?" She sighed, a bit offended by his usual treatment of her.

After exchanging a few formal pleasantries, she left with Suzuko and Rurushu when she saw that Genbu was entering the room.

Even though Suzaku dreaded greeting his father when he was feeling like this, he steeled himself and sat up to formally salute him. Genbu flicked his hand dismissively with a stony expression on his face that Suzaku suspected he only reserved for his son.

"I hope you are feeling fine, father." He muttered to be polite.

"I would have never suspected you of being a fool, Suzaku, my son." Genbu sighed, pouring himself and his son two small shots of whiskey. Suzaku cringed, eyes narrowed down.

"You are about to lose a case against an industrial giant and you act really aloof about it."

"I am not expected to win my each and every case, I am human, father..." Suzaku refused the crystal glass.

"Ah, certainly you are..." Genbu sipped his drink with an air of sadistic mirth he didn't even conceal. Anger burned Suzaku's throat as if he had drunk the whole bottle of that whiskey in one gulp.

"Yet, don't let losing a case because of a ridiculous mistake become something exclusively yours to succeed."

"I will try, father." Suzaku bit down.

"Are you aware that you are shaming me?" Genbu's gaze hardened behind the ornate glass.

"Pray tell how I am achieving that?" To hell with being polite, Suzaku though.

"Kururugi Suzaku!" Genbu half growled in a threatening tone. "You take on a case against some bigwig businessmen and politicians and lose it... Are you this blind that you are about to flush your career in to the toilet because you are such a half wit?"

"I haven't lost the case yet, father!"

"Oh, but you will. Do you want to hear some gossips from the courts? You know I still have a lot of friends there."

Oh, how Suzaku hated his father's circle of friends gained by years of sitting on the chair of city council's presidency after he retired from the army.

"I can see that you would love to continue, father, but I am in a hurry. So, excuse me."

"How is your wife?" Genbu asked as if spatting the words, halting his son on his tracks.

It was still a bit of a controversial issue, marriage of the same sexes; even though technology and medicine advanced beyond belief to permit the couples having their own babies and society and law changed according to the times. Yet, Genbu still hated the idea that his grandchildren were the results of his son and another man's so called love. He hated Lelouch with all his might since he was the cause of his son's refusal of the marriage he arranged for him with one of his friend's daughters.

What Suzaku told him that day was still ringing in his ears.

"_Who are you to teach me about love? Have you ever loved for a millisecond in your life to know what is love and what is not?"_

Genbu didn't know but the sound of the slap the delivered on Suzaku's cheek was still echoing in Suzaku's mind, too.

"He is fine." Suzaku got up, no longer wanting to stay under this roof even for a moment more than necessary.

"Rurushu, I am leaving!" He called, opening the door.

He hugged and kissed his children trying to find strength from their presence and ruffled Rurushu's hair.

"See you after five days, Rurushu. Don't be a naughty boy and cause trouble, OK?"

Rurushu leaped on his grandfather's embrace and waved his hand to his father.

Seeing the genuine smile Genbu directed on Rurushu, Suzaku closed the door and went to the parking area, thinking to himself bitterly.

_My father hates my guts but at least he loves my children... Life is really ridicilous._

_-_

_TBC..._

_-_


End file.
